Todd Bertuzzi's Beard

The Red Wings have made enough deep playoff runs in recent years that the fans have come to understand that each one of their playoff beards has its own personality. Kris Draper's once beat Chuck Norris in a fight. Niklas Kronwall's fights crime while he's sleeping. Johan Franzen's apparently gives him superpowers (thanks for the curly fries, Mule. They were delicious).

But Todd Bertuzzi's sort of looks like you're gazing into the void.

yeah, that's the best picture of it I can find.

And because when I gazed into the void the void gazed back, here's the top ten things hiding in Todd Bertuzzi's beard:

10. The rest of his teeth
They had to go somewhere.

9. Brett Lebda
Because he's very small. And he could fit in there.

8. Mike Ilitch's sanity
I love him, but he's crazy(bread).

7. Jimmy Hoffa
I'm just kidding. Jimmy Hoffa lives in a condo in Vegas with Elvis and Tupac.

6. The lost city of Atlantis
The weight of all those buildings could explain why he hasn't been doing anything overly useful the last few games?

5. Zordon
Maybe he got imprisoned in there by Rita Repulsa or something. That seems logical.

4. Free curly fries
They are delicious.

3. A KFC Double Down
He's got to have something to eat during intermission.

2. Whiskey for Larry Murphy
Is there room for enough of it though?

1. Gordie Howe's dog

Just in case Gordie's been looking for him or anything -- I suggest he start in Todd Bertuzzi's beard. That is an awesome sweater though. You couldn't pull that sweater off like Gordie can.

You think it's more likely there's a stripper in there? Leprechauns? The Art Ross Trophy? That's what the comments are for.


Game 5, the second in a series of four consecutive must-wins for the Red Wings, starts at 10pm eastern. If you happen to actually be at the game, you should throw an octopus or twelve. Scott'll show you how it's done.

Wings win Game 7

And they did it beautifully, defeating the Coyotes 6-1.

Next up: The San Jose Sharks

(Warning: Not for the squeamish)

1st round playoff preview, as promised

This thing is a monster, even after I took out the three paragraphs on comparative symbology. I will totally understand if you just skip to the boobs at the end.

When the Winnipeg Jets moved out to the barren deserts of Arizona for the 1996-97 season, they weren't exactly expected to have immediate and bounding success and draw in a large, thriving, profitable fanbase. At least, I really hope they weren't, because they didn't. They really, really didn't. The success they had was small, and the truly devoted fans they garnered were scant. But this season, despite bankruptcy, despite nearly being moved half-way across the continent again, despite years of being one of the jokes of the league, proof positive that the southern US was no place to have hockey, the team overcame, and, as 4th seed in the western conference, have a legitimate shot at Lord Stanley's Cup. As a fan of hockey, and of sports in general, I want this Cinderella story to be able to warm my heart with the fuzzy feelings only achieved by watching bands of brothers overcome adversity prehistoric tribal-style, by beating down all the bigger, meaner tribes with sticks and then hugging it out at the victory feast.

Unfortunately, Cinderella's playing the Wings first round, so there will be no such fuzziness.

The Team:

This is a Coyote venturing out onto a road to meet its ancient
enemy the flying tire in glorious battle

This year, I think the Wings' biggest threat will be not treating the Coyotes as a legitimate threat. They seeded above us, and Babcock's no idiot, so my fears are probably unfounded, but I don't think the Red Wings are used to the mindset of "ok, we're below them, so we're going to have to be really careful and try to upset", and they also have a history of not always bringing their A-game to the ice when they're playing someone they're not scared of. And you know Ilya Bryzgalov's going to be a whore.

There's also going to be a few familiar faces:


Yep. Matheiu Schneider's still in the NHL.

So is Robert Lang.

And while Ed Jovanovski has never been a Red Wing, at least one current member of the team is very, very familiar with him.


omg get a room, you two.


The Fans:

First of all, to get this out of the way, are you one of those people who love a good internet battle, but haven't been online in like three days? You should look here, here, and especially here. Now onto business.

I write this entry (and indeed, every entry of this blog) under the assumption that at least nine of the ten people reading it will accept the following as common knowledge:

1. The economy in Michigan sucks hardcore, and lots of Michiganders have been forced to move out to the booming west

2. You don't stop following the sports teams you followed as children (and your parents followed as children, and your grandparents, and your own children) just because the desert is the only place you seem to be able to keep your family fed and clothed.

Phoenix, however, seems to be under the impression that you should just cheer for whatever team you happen to live most near. Rebuttals have been undertaken by better writers than I. If that's the actual mindset of the fans and media, then I pity the Coyotes their fly-by-night bandwagon. I'd never ask any legitimate fan of any team to forgo their loyalties based on something as stupid as geography (especially not in the internet age), and I'm more than slightly offended that there are other people out there willing to ask this of Red Wings fans, who during the playoffs, I consider one and all to be family.

Furthermore, in yet another sad attempt to usurp the authority of the octopus tradition, the fans have embraced the idea of throwing snakes (I'm assuming rubber) onto the ice, to support their team, rattlesnakes being indigenous to the area. On the one hand, I'm inclined to agree with PuckDaddy - this could be the rallying point the fanbase needs. You don't hear "Winnipeg" or "Hamilton" and think "snakes live there"; you might when you hear "desert" or "Arizona". The snakes would represent the fact that this team belongs to Phoenix, belongs in Phoenix, and though it might not have the rafters filled with championship banners and retired numbers, it will bite if cornered.

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure no one in Phoenix thought this far into it, and the snakes are only there to piss off Wings fans by farting on a tradition that celebrates its 58th anniversary today. Those are real unclassy intentions, guys.

Also, the comments to this post, suggesting that instead of throwing them, the fans wave them above their heads, one in each hand, make me think we're about to watch a hockey game played in an arena full of Minoan fertility idols.

Yeah, you didn't know this post was going to be about anthropology, did you? (And before you get excited about all the Coyote fans showing up topless, remember that they're Coyote fans, so they'll be wearing white shirts.) (and they'll mostly be guys.) (and they won't like you because you're wearing red.) (You'll be wearing red, right? You have to wear red.)

The puck drops at 10pm eastern. We'll have our coffee in one hand and our barf bag in the other. Go Wings.

Not a great way to spend a birthday...

I have no words for that game except that it was...well...pukey. And maybe that all the people who lost Versus on their fancy cable packages were lucky. I don't have the energy right now to ramble as I usually do about how at least the top line is finally producing and how it wasn't all the goalie's fault, so I'll just leave you with something funny as a follow up to our post last Thursday. Watch it, laugh at it, and maybe even learn something new if you're still an uneducated fool:

Why Chicago Hates Detroit?

After what seems like an eternity (even though it was less than a week) the Red Wings have a game tonight against the Chicago Blackhawks. I have no idea who will be in the lineup because I never believe the speculations online until the game actually starts because Mike Babcock is a crazy fool and no one ever knows what the hell he's going to do next. I do know that Justin Abdelkader won't be there, due to the fact that he was sent back to Grand Rapids. *Insert angry comments from the general fanbase here*

Today I found a blog post where the writer made a list of all the reasons why Chicago hates Detroit. These always make me laugh and this one was no different. Here are the highlights:

10. The Octopus

Throwing octopus on the ice makes about as much sense as Detroit making a bid for the 2020 Olympics.

SERIOUSLY?! I would have thought that by now most people that follow the NHL would have at least grasped the general idea of this tradition by now. If not and you still need some help, go educate yourself. At any rate, we don't care if it "makes sense". We're gonna do it until the oceans run dry.

8. Consistency

While we hate to admit it, every Hawks fans would kill to have a franchise that's in contention for the Cup every single season.

This one actually makes sense.

6. They're...Good

There, we said it. But our Dad can still beat up your Dad. We'll be taking our puck and going home now.

This one he got right too. Except that I'm not really sure what he means by "our Dad can still beat up your Dad". I took it to mean the teams in the early days, and the last time I checked, 8 Stanley Cups are more than three.

4. Arrogance

The Red Wings walk around with the kind of swagger that would make Kanye West sick to his stomach with disgust.

Honestly, I haven't heard any arrogance horror stories about either team - except for maybe Chelios when he was in a bad mood, and that one... sort of falls on both of us. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with having confidence in your ability to be badass on the ice. I bet Blackhawks fans would kill themselves to have their team walk with swagger.

2. The Sweaters

Not to get all fashionista on you, but the Hawks sweater cannot be matched. Especially not by logo that looks like it's from Hot Wheels.

Right again. The Blackhawk's sweater can't be matched...in cultural insensitivity. (Oh wait, I forgot about Cleveland.) I'd much rather have a logo that looks like one of the greatest children's toys ever than one that's potentially racist.

1. Original Six

This rivalry is like a bad marriage that's lasted way too long with a spouse. What's worse is Detroit's put on about 200 pounds with a bad case of acne since the day we met.

Who's about 200 pounds with a bad case of acne?

Lol, he wishes he weighed 200 pounds...

Columbus is looking for hope in shaky places

The Free Press has been graciously printing most of the Columbus Dispatch's hockey related articles. They seem to have missed this gem though. Who would have thought Rick Nash was such a fan of dried dates?

And Nationwide Arena, like every other arena hosting the Wings during the offseason, has declared their series-long 'war on octopi'. (A much better informed take on the subject than we got from Nashville or Pittsburgh last year.)

But the one that got me was the one bashing Osgood. Michael Arace contends that despite the fact that this is what the bottom of NHL.com looks like:


"Every save he has made, no matter how pedestrian, has brought chants of "Ozzie" from the crowd. Teammates have gone out of their way to praise him. It is as if there is a citywide effort to channel positive thoughts and artificially inflate Osgood's confidence. Why? Osgood is, by any measure, the Wings' weak link, and everybody knows it." He uses the term "shaky".

"...a citywide effort to channel positive thoughts and artificially inflate Osgood's confidence"? Of course there is, are you kidding me? We've watched Ozzie through the good times and the bad, and know perfectly well how good he is at giving up stupid goals for no reason. "Shaky"? Maybe during the regular season. But the regular season is over now. This is the goddamned Stanley Cup playoffs, and at the end of the day, shaky doesn't shut out.

Look, Mike, I'm sorry I haven't been watching the future Calder Trophy-winning goalie carry his team through the season here. I haven't been treated to some boy-wonder who makes every stop look flashy, and has to, because he's on a team struggling for a playoff berth. No, Chris Osgood didn't steal either of those games away from the BJs. He didn't have to.

Dear Columbus - a save is still a save, no matter how "pedestrian". Don't you wish Osgood could have made just a few less?

(I promise you right now that this is the last time you'll ever see me use pedestrian as an adjective in this blog.)

Going too far? Or just far enough?

This is your three-hour early WTF Wednesday, to make up for all those times I posted at ten from midnight with Wednesday mostly over.

Maybe you've been there during spring, or maybe you've seen pictures or heard tales, or maybe you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, but you know the giant Al the Octopus sculpture that looms near the front entrance of the Joe around playoff time?

Well this year, in keeping with the Red Wings' playoff slogan, he'll be growing a beard.

I'd make some kind of sarcastic comment about an octopus being technically unable to grow hair (I mean, even letting alone the fact that Al's facial features are not where most octopodes' facial features are, obviously making him a special sort of octopus), but then it occurred to me that tires don't generally spout wings, either, and that's not stopped anyone for the last 75 years, so I'll let this one slide.

That's just ridiculous enough to be awesome though. Does anyone know if they've done this before?