As WTF as we can get this week - Joe Thornton Reads Goosebumps

And that's not just speculation based on his naming his ventriloquist dummy "Slappy" as in the book from said series.

I mean, he actually reads Goosebumps, to Douglas Murray, for his bedtime story.


He also reads to Patrick Marleau.


But not to Dan Boyle, because Dan Boyle's been a bad, bad boy.


Or Nabokov, because he can read all by himself.


That's actually kind of an endearing picture. Just in case you're in danger now of warm feelings toward the San Jose Sharks, remember that they steal puppies and eat them.

That dog looks like she's been heavily drugged.

This post is the closest I can give to commentary on the series at the moment, because basically my brain gave me three choices - wax preposterously hopeful, vomit all over the internet, or do a search under "My Pictures" for "Joe Thornton" cross-referenced with "what the hell is this thing?" and post the results.

it didn't really make me feel better...

Furthermore, due to a dinner engagement (which we'll actually post about at length, along with in-depth coverage of the tinfoil hat flashmob on the stairs of the Joe) scheduled prior, both of us missed most of last night's game. So that's all I've got - St0ry Time with the San Jose Sharks.

Hopefully they're too entranced by Eric Carle's artwork in The Very Hungry Caterpillar to play very well in game four.

Making Fun of Partick Roy

The day of game 4 of the 2008 Stanley Cup finals, our parents came home from an epic garage sale with a box full of hockey. Hiding among the dust was a plastic figurine of Patrick Roy.

Hey, ladies...

Despite our initial reactions (Lindsay didn't want to touch it, and Dad suggested we finally become real men and learn to melt things in the sun with a magnifying glass), because it spent games four and six in the living room in front of the tv (and game five hiding in the basement), it was spared certain death and bodily mutilation based on the fact that it must somehow be a luck talisman.

This hasn't stopped us from subjecting it to deep psychological and emotional torture. Jersey alterations took place sometime between the refrigerator prank and the catnip incident.

I tell you all this, because around our household, this week is known as "Make Fun of Patrick Roy Week", commemorating the time that Patrick Roy got his ass kicked by a midget, then a year later tried to redeem himself by fighting what looked like a fifteen year old boy and still had a hard time just holding his own. Because we think this side-plot to the McCarty/Lemieux battles is hilarious, we'd like to present you with -

Five other things we'd pay to watch Patrick Roy fail to fight:

5. A giant spider

Because who isn't afraid of giant spiders? They're terrifying. Even if you're not afraid of regular-sized spiders, you're scared of giant spiders, just based on the fact that THEY CAN EAT YOU.

4. Al the Octopus

Clearly, Al wins this battle.

3. Unicorns

Yeah, they may look innocent, but those things are out for blood.

2. Valtteri Filppula

I'd say Val winning any fight (especially by executing some sort of flying punch finishing move, as depicted above) would be a stretch, but a minute ago there were unicorns, so I'm going with it.

1. Jimmy Howard and his magnificent face-grabbing glove

They all said I was crazy when I bought this from Hockeytown Authentics last summer, but I knew. Oh, I knew.

Sometime during this photo shoot, my mom came out to see what I was doing and looked ashamed, because I'm 23 years old and was basically spending a Saturday afternoon in the backyard playing with my toys instead of doing something useful with my life, but if just five people read this and laugh once, then it was totally worth it. May the legend of Patrick Roy ride on.

WTF Wednesday does Vegas

You know how sometimes, in a situation, you know on a basic level what's going on ("Oh, ok. There's a man in a clown suit at the other end of this parking lot with a falcon on his arm.") but really, you have no idea what the hell is going on?

Well this is Luke Schenn, his younger brother Brayden, and Pavel Datsyuk going out together to watch a Beatles tribute show in Vegas.



I can make an educated guess as to what the circumstances behind this excursion were, but something tells me that even if the cameraman comments with what exactly is going on, I'll still have more "Why?"s than will ever be answered. If not concerning the players involved... then for the producers.

My favorite part might be the end, when they go backstage and one of the performers freaks the hell out. You can see the bewildered panic catch fire in her eyes, of holy crap I just performed for hockey players. It's sort of the same face Lindsay made when she found out Dom Hasek was at her dance recital (long story).

WTF Wednesday

Let's be honest, the Wings need to win games. You know it. I know it. The Red Wings know it. It's starting to get a little critical, and with every loss I sink a little deeper into my pool of unending stress. And I'm not going to make a list of all the areas the Wings need to improve (at the top of which would be "winning games"), because hearing "defensive coverage is lacking" and "goaltending needs improvement" and "[insert name of scapegoat du jour here] needs to break his femur and never play hockey for us again" gets old after a while.

So instead of adding in our own pseudo-analysis to the log-jam, we here at Hockeytown Static have decided to do what (sadly) we do best - strange pictures.

And nothing is stranger than Red Wing goalies (past and present) doing what they do best - weird shit.


I have to start out with an apology that Jimmy Howard hasn't really been under the scrutinizing eye of the hockey paparazzi long enough to incur any pictures on the internet (that have floated by me so far, anyway) weirder than his weird-faced headshot from 2006


unless you think it's weird to see him in an apron, serving angel-hair pasta to homeless people in Grand Rapids.



*****

What's Ty Conklin been up to since he signed with St. Louis?



No, seriously, that's Ty Conklin. It's from the Blues' charity something something casino something, so it's not really all that strange, until you consider the fact that it looks like he grew and trimmed that facial hair especially for the event.

*****

This was real, honest to god cereal you could buy in the store. Steve Yzerman had some too - I think his had marshmallows. Proceeds went to charity.



I never tasted it, but I hear that Chris Osgood's honey nut deliciousness is Sharkie-approved.



OM NOM NOM NOM NOM

*****

And finally we get to the climax, where all the pictures that came before are rendered unnecessary to the point of useless, because Dom Hasek, god bless him, could anchor a wtf Wednesday all by himself:



These are from a photoshoot for a calender in the Czech Republic promoting literacy. It stars his daughter, Dominika, as Pipi Longstocking. And Dom as her... creepy, shirtless, tattooed father.



Here's him getting his make-up applied:



I can't even bring myself to come up with a decent response to this picture, and it's been on my computer since last summer. Just... wtf?

Hey, is it Wednesday?

Because after last night's game, I feel like some wtf.

And nothing is more wtf than Saturday morning cartoons from the early 90s. Especially Saturday morning cartoons from the early 90s staring Wayne Gretzky.

Have you ever found real Wayne Gretzky lacking? Thought that maybe he needed a bigger upper body? A more luscious-looking mullet? An arsenal of pucks that turned into boomerangs and then EXPLODED? If your answer to any of the above questions was OH YES PLEASE!, then today is the day your dreams come true.



"The Perbots of Dr. Lobe" (no, I'm still not really sure what a "perbot" is, exactly), wherein Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan, and Bo Jackson attempt to save a vaguely ethnic child from a mad scientist using SPORTS! and... a giant magnet? Or something? Here's part 2 and part 3 where Wayne is sort of a whiny little coward.

I highly recommend you all watch the other episodes in the related videos section.

Preferably sitting on the floor in front of your computer in your pajamas with a bowl of Lucky Charms.

Evacuate the Dance Floor

Saturday's game went better than I expected. Personally, I was a little too busy geeking out because the greatest top line in the history of EVER was reunited to pay much attention to any technical aspects of the game. All that I do know is that maybe Ovechkin and Semin should spend more time practicing and less time at the club.



Or maybe not. I kind of liked them being virtually invisible on the scoreboard.

Are you pissed? You should be.

I understand that the referees are in the game for a purpose, and that they're important or something.

I just... WHY IS THE OFFICIATING DECIDING THE GODDAMNED SERIES?

I don't just mean that goal that was a goal that somehow wasn't counted as a goal because I guess the ref just didn't feel like calling it a goal because he had indigestion or a bird was in the arena rafters and pooped in his eye or he was staring at Neidermayer's ass or something, I mean the fact that half the goals that were counted as goals this series were powerplay goals too. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I remember some idyllic time long ago when hockey was played without penalties being called, because I don’t, actually. Refs have been making mistakes since before I was born, and the world keeps turning. But in this series it feels like the officiating is making an extra effort to impact the final outcomes of these games. Now, I’m not saying that if these two teams had been allowed to play 5-on-5 grab-and-grapple hockey for three games that the Wings would be on their way to a sweep or anything. I’m just saying that I want to be able to someday look my children and grandchildren in the eye and tell them, whatever the outcome, that yes, during the 2009 western conference semi-finals, the better-playing team won.

And since that was so ridiculous and it’s already Wednesday in Michigan, you know, when normal people would be sleeping, and not watching hockey games that end like that, unable to yell at the television for fear of waking the rest of their family, who have to get up and work in the morning, you know, like normal people, that call was hockeytownstatic’s WTF Wednesday moment. That and Nick Lidstrom holding back Pronger at the end of the game. Which we laughed at. Really hard. Harder when we figured they weren’t going to hurt each other.

Is that a total cop-out? Maybe. After those two games, I’m not going anywhere near our crappy dial-up internet again for at least a week. I’m stressed enough, and I don’t think my family would understand if I put my fist through the screen screaming I HATE CHRIS PRONGER.

Part of me is almost thankful that it was just over quickly though. I’m a nightowl, but I don’t want to be up until 3 in the morning watching the Ducks wear us down again in overtime.

Dammit, this is so fricking ridiculous. I’m so struck by the ridiculousity of the whole thing that I can’t even tell how angry I am.

WTF Wednesday

I don't really know if anything catastrophic is going on in the hockey world at the moment. Part of me feels bad that this blog has been slacking in the news department lately, but frankly, if this was your main source of news to begin with, there's something wrong with you.

But while we may not be journalistically committed to providing the hard-hitting, breaking news stories of the hockey world, we do have an awful lot of hockey cards.

Really, really, mind-blowingly, what-the-crap-were-they-smoking-in-the-idea-room hockey cards.

This time, they were smoking something that made them wonder what would happen to hockey if the Borg Collective ran the NHL.

Cyborg Stevie here is part of the 96-97 Metal Universe series put out by Fleer. The scan does not do it justice. The laser shooting out of his bionic eye-piece is holographic.

I don't know. If I could have fit Steve Yzerman with robotic implants, I would have gone for the knee.



This one isn't much better...


...Who comes up with these things?

WTF Wednesday is a little late...

But it's here!

Umm...



One more win and we're done watching the BJs.

(Also, what is Kelly Hrudey doing on Twitter? Next thing we know Don Cherry will have a facebook...)

Going too far? Or just far enough?

This is your three-hour early WTF Wednesday, to make up for all those times I posted at ten from midnight with Wednesday mostly over.

Maybe you've been there during spring, or maybe you've seen pictures or heard tales, or maybe you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, but you know the giant Al the Octopus sculpture that looms near the front entrance of the Joe around playoff time?

Well this year, in keeping with the Red Wings' playoff slogan, he'll be growing a beard.

I'd make some kind of sarcastic comment about an octopus being technically unable to grow hair (I mean, even letting alone the fact that Al's facial features are not where most octopodes' facial features are, obviously making him a special sort of octopus), but then it occurred to me that tires don't generally spout wings, either, and that's not stopped anyone for the last 75 years, so I'll let this one slide.

That's just ridiculous enough to be awesome though. Does anyone know if they've done this before?

WTF Wednesday- Nikolai Khabibulin looks like other people (and chases Norwegians with a wrench?)

Well, he does. In honor of the Wings playing Chicago every other day for the rest of the season, here he is.

He makes one face while he's in net, and it's the same face every time.





"Arg..."

Here's what he does on weekends?



(make sure you at least skip ahead to the 2 minute mark)

Alright, Evgeni Plushenko a bit of a stretch, but imagine turning on your television at three in the morning only to find this creep who looks like an NHL goalie licking his hand. Because I did. It haunts me still.

And this one is dead on. I cannot have been the only one who noticed this:




Tomorrow's game is against Nashville. What kind of sick joke is this schedule?

The organization will provide

I was fully prepared to scrap WTF Wednesday this week, because I had nothing worth your time, and it was April Fool's day anyway, so even if I had something, none of you would believe me. Then, at zero-hour, the following was brought to my attention:

No, the Red Wings aren't putting on a production of Fiddler on the Roof (but god, what I'd spend to go see that). They're promoting their 2009 playoff slogan, which, in case you haven't heard yet, is "The Beard is Back."

Have you guys seen this yet? I have never seen so many rich people so reluctant to do something in my life.



You can vote for your favorite playoff beard here. I'm rooting for Kris Draper, because his beard actually scored a goal in the conference finals. What has your beard done lately?

...

Yeah. That's what I thought.

... but it turned out alright in the end

Most of last night's game made me want to bang my head against a wall. The Red Wings not-scoring-parade (though it didn't seem like it was for lack of trying) was broken up only by interviews with Sam Gagner's mullet-in-progress and Ethan Moreau's creepy blown pupil. Luckily, the Wings decided it would be fun to score twelve goals in the last thirty-seconds of the game again, so things worked out in the end.

I hope Ericsson can eventually figure out how to score in places other than Edmonton though.

Oh, and it's the day after Tuesday, which means it must be time for another installment of WTF Wednesdays. I think when Lindsay talked me into doing this, she severely over-estimated our ability to come up with weekly content that maintained any sort of level of decent quality, but here goes -

I have a saying. It goes "The only thing weirder than a Finn/goalie is a Finnish goalie." Here to demonstrate is Vesa Toskala. You've probably (or maybe you haven't) already seen him profess his love for his sparkly Mickey Mouse t-shirt and man-purse, but this one was new to me:



I don't actually speak Finnish, so god knows how accurate those subtitles are, but since he actually says "Mitsubishi Colt", I'll trust them.

I guess this is a regular feature now?

Maybe it's a little lame, but you know what? Already for this blog I've drawn Chris Pronger's floppy skates in MS Paint, dedicated half an entry to how much Luke Schenn looks like a young Christian Bale, and contemplated Henrik Zetterberg's horoscope. Lame is what we do here.

So welcome to Wtf Wednesdays. I guess because last week's ice dancing segment was such a hit.

Sadly, I don't have anything that even comes close to touching the awesomeness that was Marian Hossa in that shiny silver shirt. I don't think anything really can. So I'll take a complete shot in the dark here; nothing to lose -

I can't possibly be the only hockey fan who wasn't aware that in juniors, one of Sidney Crosby's nicknames was Baby Legs, can I?

Baby Legs? Yes. Baby Legs. I went "wtf". And I sort of wish I'd known this last May.

Maybe the name is warranted. Here's a video of the then-future first round of the 2008 draft about to watch the Finals at the Joe. Tell me that at 2:50 they're not discussing Sidney Crosby's calves being small compared to someone else's. Because I'm pretty sure they are.



I mean, I know that some athletes probably want to be aware of how other, highly successful athletes are working out and taking care of their bodies, but I'm not sure my first reaction to "I just met Sidney Crosby" would be "Let's check out his fine legs as he's walking away."

But hey, if that's what Stamkos & Friends want to do, well then, who am I to argue?

Wtf?

Marian Hossa and Pavol Demitra, doing what they do best.



Get well soon, Marian. I miss you out there.