By the numbers: 7 reasons why my life is sad, and 3 foolish Swedes

I am in a thorough state of depression right now:

1. The Tigers. Enough said.
2. The Colorado Avalanche currently have a better record than the Red Wings. Hell, practically the entire League has a better record than Detroit.
3. I can't watch the game on Thursday. I can't even listen to Ken Kal. Grrr.
4. I was the only person in my Geology class who knew that Detroit was on the Detroit River. Four people thought Toronto was the city on the other side of the river.
5. Yesterday I had a dream that Nick Lidstrom signed a 6 year contract extension. I was not happy when I snapped back to the "maybe two more years if he's really feeling awesome" reality of consciousness.
6. Bob Probert got booted of Battle of the Blades before Skank Prime.
7. Last night I found a video about Vladdie that while sort of happy, still was ridiculously sad.

While you all either laugh at me because my life is pathetic, or cry because you feel the same as me, some things in the world aren't quite as depressing.

Take Swedish advertising for example:


If Homer is happy, then so am I. The company this is from sells either crackers or ski equipment, I'm not sure. Do they have your favorite?

WTF Sunday

I know it isn't Wednesday, but this video couldn't wait.



I have never seen anyone so embarrassed by their cell phone in my whole life. Either Steve Yzerman has a secret fondness for Will.i.am, or one of his kids is going to be seeing a lot of his Captain's Face when he gets home.

Hey, for those of you who have CBC

Steve Yzerman's going to be on The Hour on Wednesday at 11pm. I'm pretty sure it replays at 5pm on Wednesday. I have no idea whether or not the interview itself will be very good, but I don't care - it's Steve Yzerman.

There's a chance you'll be able to find it online, too. Lindsay'll post it when she finds it.

I don't know. I'm not worried yet.

Oh. You say I should be? You say that you just watched your team lose two games in their superstars' homeland? That you saw them play ten or fifteen spectacular minutes at a time that were followed by twenty or thirty ridiculously awful ones? That they fell apart faster than tissue paper in the rain? That when you think about your goaltenders, you sort of throw up a little in your mouth?

If that's the case, I can't blame you. But I'm not worried yet.

Last year I was worried. I was worried that they couldn't win a game in regulation, that they couldn't win a game at home, that Marian Hossa was unable to score a single goal, that the Eurotwins being split up would signal the coming of the apocolypse, etc, etc - by the middle of October I was convinced that the Wings would finish last in their division, miss the playoffs, be laughed at by everyone and that Gary Bettman would move the franchise to New Orleans and rename them the Crawdaddies and Henrik Zetterberg would have to wear a picture of a shrimp on his chest while I wept and wept and wept.

In reality, the Wings had a winning record, and were doing pretty good given the ridiculousity of the schedule they opened with and especially given that there is some truth to the Stanley Cup hangover.

So I'm not worried yet. I can't let myself be, or I'd have to check myself into an institution.

Was there anything consistent about the Red Wings' game this weekend besides how they let it fall apart again and again? No. But in those moments before they fell apart, they were beastly. They could have been playing with an empty net for most of the first period today and the score would have been the same by the end.

Did Jimmy Howard let in five goals? Yes. But but most of them were on penalty kills, and he also made some spectacular saves.

Is Brad Stuart still scoring goals for the opposition for no reason other than to make me curl up in a ball and question the existence of god?

I don't actually have a positive for that one - I just wanted to point it out.

No, I could be really worried about what I saw in Sweden this weekend. And if you want to be, I can't blame you. But I'm going to focus on the positive and enjoy something that Wings fans don't often get to enjoy - the anticipation of how awesome the team will be when they finally work out all the kinks and rise to their full potential.

That could be fun, right?

Today it begins

Welcome to the regular season, where the points count and everyday is a new podcast about the goalie situation. I'm excited.

I don't know how excited I am about having to watch the first Wings game of the regular season on Versus though. Somewhere between Screaming Keith (have you ever noticed how every time Keith Jones opens his mouth to talk, he ends up sounding like he's yelling? Don't get so excited, dude, it's just highlights from last season) screaming and there being an interview with Sidney Crosby every commercial break... well, I guess I just shouldn't have jumped the gun and started watching the Chicago game while I was waiting for ours to start, should I have?

From what I understand, Hank's in today, but Chris Osgood still looks undecided.

It's sort of frustrating when you have one goalie who's tied for 10th in all-time wins but you still have wavering regular season faith in him because he's Chris Osgood, and your other goalie has won a single NHL game in his career, and that was four years ago. Goalie situation? What goalie situation? I'm saying goalie situation so much because I'm hoping I can desensitize myself to the blinding stress the phrase causes me before it becomes the only thing anyone can talk about.

Oh. Brian Engblom regrew his... hair.

I wish I was in Sweden, but instead I'm learning Russian preposions...

So today at 1pm is the last game before the season starts, and oh man am I thankful that I screwed up my schedule so that I have a five hour break between classes. The game is being streamed online, and if you're lucky enough to not be at work, you can watch it here.

Also *drum roll, please* Hockeytown Static is officially on Twitter. Mostly it will be ramblings by Lindsay, sometimes comical and usually about (what else) hockey.

The regular season starts in two days. Go Wings.

Wings arrive in style

...If Chris Osgood didn't already look like a child...

...the pillow doesn't help. Good morning Red Wings, and good luck Wednesday.

That was spectacular

Ok, so it was preseason, and it didn't really "count" for anything. I don't care. The Wings beat the Pens.

Oh, but Crosby and Malkin weren't there! Yeah? Well neither were Nick Lidstrom, Henrik Zetterberg, Dan Cleary, Valtteri Filppula, or Chris Osgood - we still got it done. And it wasn't close, either.

Man, am I glad I caught the replay.

I just got back from what was apparently some sort of bubble entirely outside the influence of hockey. It was sort of bizarre. Radio stations not coming in, and televisions that only went up to the first twenty channels, and walking into restaurants just as the last fleeting seconds of Red Wings live postgame reports faded into blackness... and I was cruising the internet on this, which isn't so much a complaint as it is me passing the hilarity of my sad life down to you. This is what happens when you use all your college graduation money to buy a Jimmy Howard game-used glove instead of a laptop. I call it "Henrik Zetterberg Dancing With A Giant Ink Monster".

Speaking of Swedes, the Free Press put up the single most mesmerizing thing that I have ever seen in my life yesterday. I can't stop watching it. I fear greatly that it hungers for my soul.

The Wings are playing Farjestad on Wednesday. I admittedly don't know an awful lot about teams in the Swedish elite league (although, according to my dad, I know more than most girls my age should), but from what I've been able to gather, it's the Elitserien equivalent of the Wings lately or the Canadiens. I wish it was being broadcast somewhere I could catch it because it sounds like the kind of carnival of Swedishness that would make for an interesting game.

Thursday randoms

A lot has happened today. The Red Wings sent seven players to the Griffins, Nicklas Lidstrom was named the best NHL player of the decade, I learned how to swear in Russian, Wayne Gretzky left the Coyotes, and Brad May got a Red Wings try-out.

Griffins first-
Travis Ehrhardt, Sergei Kolosov, Sebastien Piche, Jamie Tardif, Tomas Tatar, Francis Lemieux, and John Vigilante were all released from Detroit and rejoined Grand Rapids for their first practice Monday.

Also the Griffins are having fans pick another bobble head. Your options are:

- Head Coach Curt Fraser (bobble fists)
- Broadcaster Bob Kaser
- center Darren Helm
- goaltender Daniel Larsson
- Duke (Zamboni bobblehead)

Go vote. Trisha wants the Zamboni driver, but she's always had a strange fixation on Zambonis. I'm hoping for bobble fists. It just sounds silly.



And with that as our segue...

CBC's Battle of the Blades starts October 4th, and I'm pumped even though I won't be able to watch it. I will say that I'm a little worried, though, because if skanky Claude Lemieux (honestly the last person I'd ever want to see in spandex) lasts longer in the competition than Bob Probert, I might cry (unless it's because Skank Prime is actually a great figure skater, and then I'll just laugh, and imagine him going out for coffee with Johnny Weir).

Just in case you've been living under a rock, the US Olympic team had a photoshoot. Patrick Kane got violent.


Look out cab drivers of the world - this man has an icicle.