Sunday, December 27, 2009

Even our aunt loves Todd Bertuzzi

No, really. I mean, at first it was sort of cute, you know, like aw, our crazy lady aunt has a crush on Todd!, but then he started scoring every goal in the game again, and no, my aunt loves Todd Bertuzzi.

Like, when they interviewed him in postgame it was "Shhh, my boyfriend's talking! Isn't he cute!" And our aunt's not the cool aunt who's only seven years older than you are. She's like your mom. I mean, I never understood those people who would melt from embarassment over their mothers having gushing crushes on George Clooney, but I get it now. I definitely get it now.

Not that I can really blame her - admit it: if Todd Bertuzzi keeps being the only Red Wing who can consistently win us games, you'll be in love with him before too long too.

By the end of that game, I wanted to say that it was the greatest game in the history of the franchise, but that's only because it feels like it's been three years since the Wings have walked away with a point. In actuality, that was pretty gross, but I'd rather the team win gross games than lose at all.

- Howard was pretty good from where I was sitting. I understand going with the hot goalie, but Ozzie's four wins away from 400, and as happy as I am with Jimmy's performance, I want him to make there. He's been my favorite forever; it makes me sad.

- No, seriously - holy crap Todd Bertuzzi. I don't even know what's going on.

- I could bitch about the first period, but if the Red Wings are going to spend a third of each game sleeping, I would much prefer they choose the first and not the third. I miss the days when the Wings would mount a spectacular win and I would sit down at the computer and complain for three paragraphs about defensive coverage and lack of secondary scoring. I like that better than lamenting the end of the universe because they played alright and lost.

- I watched every replay of Helm's save, but I'm still not sure how he did it. I think he must have been moving faster than the cameras could pick up.

Do we really have to watch the BJs again? Twice in a row? This schedule is janky.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

So because two games in a row against Chicago makes me sad, I'm not going to talk about it.

I'm going to talk about other things I hate.

About a week ago, Lindsay found this post on her internet travels. It sparked a little discussion (and a lot of ranting) about what makes a truly obnoxious seat-mate. It's all pretty subjective - some of our death-by-fire game-ruiners might be your colorful ambiance-providers and vice versa. Hell, we couldn't even agree on most of these, and only agreed to include them all because they managed to add up to ten, which is generally the most accepted number of items to put on one of these things. You're probably going to disagree with a few of these.

So with that in mind, here are Hockeytown Static's Top Ten Most Obnoxious People at a Hockey Game:

10. People with whistles. Actually, neither of us have ever been to a hockey game where they were blowing train whistles (which is probably a good thing for the people blowing them), but it's a fear we have for the future.

9. Puckbunnies. Ok, so we're girls - we understand if you want to look good when you go out, even to a hockey game. And we understand if you appreciate the physical attractiveness of the players on the ice - that's biology. Hell, I guess we can even concede to tolerate all the "PUCK ME" and "Lebda your (sic) a hottie!" signs, even if it means that, again, us being girls, among a lot of fans we have to work twice as hard and dress twice as frumpily to prove our credibility.

But when I'm glowing with childlike glee at finally getting a chance to see the players I worshiped as heroes as a child and you push past me and block my view of Lidstrom or Hank or Ozzie during warm-ups so that you can try to slip Jonathan Ericsson your number through the crack in the glass? Bitch, you've crossed a line.

8. The Griffins $1 beer crowd. I've never really had a problem with the people at Van Andel who were there for the hockey and really excited that the beer was just a buck (actually, the best time I've ever had at a hockey game was when the guys in front of us got wasted and two of them nearly went to blows over whether or not Wayne Gretzky was the greatest hockey player of all time). But the arena fills up every Friday night, mainly with people just there to get drunk. They're loud, obnoxious, and usually have no idea what a puck even is, but they can get wasted and eat a whole meal for under $20 (including tickets), so they're there. And while I think it's great that you're having a good time and all, I don't really want to spill beer on me, hit on my sister during second intermission, and then cheer for the wrong team during the shootout.

7. People who stand during THE WHOLE intermission. Not get up and stretch a little. Not head out to the concourse to pee out five dollars worth of dollar beer and then come back a little while later. Not jump up when there's a chance to catch free t-shirts. People who actually stand up right in front of their seats and chat for a solid 15 minutes. I know the intermission entertainment is lame. I don't care. Maybe my kid's out there with his mini-mites team. Maybe my best friend's trying to throw frisbees into the net for a free jersey. Maybe I've got a thing for juggling Elvises. And maybe I paid good money for my $10 standing room only ticket and want to watch the Stormtroopers dance. Sit the hell down, dammit.

6. People who wear jerseys of teams not playing in the game you are attending. We understand that there can be exceptions - like teams that have some kind of personal or geographical tie to one of the teams playing (like wearing a team Sweden or an old Vipers jersey to a Wings game, or a Shane Doan Jets jersey to a Coyotes game), or like a Chiefs jersey (which no hockey game is really complete without). But if you go to a Wings vs. Flames game in Detroit wearing a Crosby 2010 Olympic Team Canada jersey, you are just a prognosticating tool. The roster hasn't even been finalized yet, and obviously you're just doing it to brag, but you've come to the wrong place.

5. That one guy who steals the goal light after the final game at Olympia and makes it into an honest to God lamp. Then they give the lamp away, with no thought at all that maybe in a few years they would have two daughters who pretty much worship the Detroit Red Wings. Thanks, Dad.

4. Grown adults who are at their first hockey game and still don't quite get it. I appreciate your effort sir, but I don't want to sit next to you for three hours while you tell your friend (and their friends are never all that knowledgeable about the game) how it's like football on ice. No, it's not. It's like soccer on crack on ice. But you don't know that, because you don't watch soccer either. And I'm talking about the people who aren't ever going to watch hockey again, who spend third period on their cell phones because they got bored of not being able to follow the puck. You're not obnoxious because you don't know what icing is - you're obnoxious because you're yelling over the hockey-noise, right in my ear, about how you totally almost scored the other night with some hot chick.

3. That guy who spends literally the entire game standing two rows in front of you on his cell phone trying to get the attention of his friend on the other side of the arena. Ok, cool - make sure your buddy knows where you're sitting, have a wave, point him out to the guy you're sitting with - if you can't find each other in less than five actual minutes, give up, because you're not going to pick each other out among the other 8,000 people at Joe Louis Arena wearing red shirts and black baseball caps, half of whom are on their cell phones waving across the ice right along with you. And you don't need to continuously stand up and signal to each other via semaphore during actual game play - cross-arena communication is what the Finns invented texting for. Don't make me spend the entire game with your arms waving around my line of vision, listening to you say "No, over here! Yeah, I'm over here, in the one like two down from the left goal. No, MY left. Yeah. No, that's not me. I'm waving! Can you see me? Where are you?"

2. People who get drunk enough to fail at insulting the players so epically that I almost don't hate them, but love them for the entertainment. Most of this I've experienced thanks to dollar beer night at Van Andel (why would you yell 'GO BACK TO STATE!' at Jimmy Howard? He went to University of Maine), and is part of the reason I don't like the people who only come for the dollar beers. Can you tell that dollar beer night is a complicated love-hate relationship for me? It confuses my emotions toward alcohol.

1. People who yell "SHOOT!" when there is clearly no shooting lane open. I mean, I get it - it's frustrating when you're stuck watching your team pass the puck to each other at the blue line during a powerplay in the last dying seconds of the game. And sometimes hockey players don't do enough getting the puck to the net (back when he was with the Griffins, Ville Leino, I swear to God, would back-pass on a breakaway. I saw it happen! More than once!) and you want them to shoot - I want them to shoot too. Maybe enough to shout a little encouragement every once in a while. But I can promise you that Nick Lidstrom has a better idea of when to shoot the puck than that drunk guy sitting three rows behind me. So drunk guy three rows behind me yelling "SHOOT IT!" every thirty seconds? Unless your name is Steven Gregory Yzerman, and I know it's not, keep your freaking mouth shut.

Good lord, hockey makes me angry.

Monday, December 21, 2009


Well, that was a depressing weekend. The Wings lost all 4 of the possible points they could have skated away with in two games against Dallas and Chicago.

I honestly stopped paying attention during the third period of the game against Chicago. I don't know if it was just the game, or it was a combination of the game and the season, or if it was all of that and this wicked caffiene headache (lack of caffiene headache?) I've been nursing most of the day, but at some point around second intermission, I had lost the will to live. The Wings were playing that way too. The defensive coverage was bad, the goaltending was questionable, and the offense was so horrible that it was nonexistant.

On the bright side, there's only about 50 more days until Franzen comes back.
(I might have just vomited on my keyboard after typing that. I don't think I can handle this season anymore. It's just too ridiculous.)

Friday, December 18, 2009

Why am I blaming everything on voodoo this year?

Top five reasons why the Hockeytown No Limits commercial might be cursed:

5. It's not actually cursed, because Franzen and Williams weren't in it, and Kronner only in a highly diminished capacity - but Mattias Ritola and Jakub Kindl have been holding voodoo doll parties in Grand Rapids.

4. Steve Yzerman should have been in it.

3. Allowing the universal spread of the "Hockeytown" moniker, while only fair to faraway Wings fans, has spread the magic too thin.

2. Tempting fate - "No limits? Lets give them some!"

1. The director was actually an Avs fan.

Babcock better be glad it's not the same curse as last year, when every team that went to Europe to start the season had a different coach by the end of it.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Why are there two hockey teams in Florida anyway?

Tonight's ugly sweater night at the Joe!

Trying to find the ugliest sweater in hockey led me to some very dark places. The Vancouver Canucks of the 1970s. Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Nabokov. Henrik Zetterberg's penchant for wearing questionable sweater vests to press conferences.

But the winner, as with most things, has to be Steve Yzerman.

yeah, you wish your sweaters were as ugly as his

As for the game... to tell you the truth, I'm not overly fond of Tampa Bay in the first place, since (with maybe the exception of Nikolai Khabibulin (although, who knows what sort of crippling personal issues he might have walked away with)) that team seems to eventually destroy everything it touches. The Vipers... Gary Roberts' career... Vinny Lecavalier and Brad Richards' guy-love... to the point where I blame them for causing the lock-out by winning the Cup in 04.

Of course I want the Red Wings to win this one. They haven't won four in a row yet this season, and not only would it probably be a confidence thing for the team, it would make me feel better about life.

But to be perfectly honest, I'm more worried about winning the next six. It's the Tampa Bay Lightning - I'll get over it if the Wings lose. I care more about beating Dallas, Chicago twice, Columbus twice, and Colorado.

Ugh, happy holidays. Who the crap is responsible for this schedule bullshit?

It's about damn time

We updated our links. Don't be offended if you're toward the bottom - I organized it by length of blog name (and it still bothers me that it looks like we need somebody between Babcock's Death Stare and Nightmare on Helm Street. I tried to fix that problem, but I ended up with what looked like a boob with Snipe Snipe Dangle Dangle as the nipple. That plan got the axe pretty fast). Yes, it has occurred to me that I might have some form of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Among the new highlights:
- I'm not actually sure how The Triple Deke, SS,DD, and Babcock's Death Stare (and probably a couple others) didn't make it on here the first time we put links up, because I actually thought they were already here. Strange.
- Fight Night at the Joe - because Norwegians are kind of awesome
- The Winged Wheel has winged wheel-shaped bullet points, which is pretty badass
- The Obstructed View isn't a blog so much as it is a podcast, and definitely worth a listen

If you think we forgot you, chew us out about it in the comments.

(Oh, and for those of you who follow us on Twitter - our tweets will be restricted for the next three weeks. We have dial-up internet, a single phone line, and a mother with a serious addiction to free Zuma on aol games. Yay Christmas break.)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Rejoice - The Wings Have Won!

And then despair because this team seriously can't play a game without somebody limping out early.

when we've cleared out all the Griffins, do we hit the Walleye next?

If the last few games are any indications, Thursday against Tampa Bay is going to involve Brad May scoring a hat trick and at least one player leaving the ice unable to return. I'm not making a guess on which one - I've already lost $10 on Darren Helm this week.

Anyway, it probably angers the hockey gods to bet on player injuries. Andreas Lilja technically won me fifteen dollars last season, but Lindsay refuses to pay up until it's been determined that my winning the bet didn't actually end his career.

Some thoughts on tonight's game:
- My mom spent every second of Kris Newbury's first penalty berating him like a child about doing stupid things his first few seconds on the ice, but when he came out of the box and scored out of nowhere, she got real quiet, real fast.

- Actually, I like Kris Newbury taking penalties if they're all going to result, directly or indirectly, in the Red Wings scoring. I hope Babs sends him out there every shift with the order to hook, trip, grab, slash, and hold everything that moves.

- If you want a cheap laugh, remember what Kris Newbury's face looks like in real life, when he was skating around tonight, and then take a gander at his Griffins roster pic. I mean, he looks better than the in-game picture in person to begin with. The roster pic... he must have insulted that camera's mother. And I know I'm not imagining it, because I overheard two 12 year old boys having a serious conversation about it at a Griffins game.

- I don't really want to think about Jonathan Ericsson right now. At the end of the game, the announcers were hoping it would just be a contusion, but Lindsay saw Mike Serven's (via twitter: @mserven) frame-by-frame of the moment of impact and said it looked pretty bad.

But we got two points! (in regulation, even) so for now I'm happy.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Todd Bertuzzi is as awesome as college is not

I don't actually know if I have words right now for my feelings toward Todd Bertuzzi. Which is unfortunate, because the end of that game was really the only part I remember now. (That and the pukey feeling I got every time I saw somebody go down, since we're pretty much out of bodies right now.) Bertuzzi's surprise repeat awesomeness has overpowered my short-term memory banks.

I do have words for Grand Valley's inability to pick up FS+, stranding me with the Nashville feed on the internet. Most of them I tend to avoid in polite company. Some of you may remember that this is not the first time I have subjected myself to this torture. Tonight was no improvement.

First of all, the Predators are having a mustache contest for prostate awareness. That's right. They're growing porno-tastic facial-hair to encourage men to let complete strangers shove their cold fingers... I mean, I'm all for prostate health, but really, Nashville? Really?

What's more, instead of Red Wings player of the game updates, I was encouraged to vote for my favorite Pred-stache (which is now my new replacement word for "pedo-stache". Even the hockey-ignorant will get the joke).

*gagging noises...*

Alright Bubba, I'll bite. My vote was for Dan Hamhuis because his looks the most well-groomed.

Sadly, my vote counted for nothing, as J.P. Dumont won the contest by a landslide.

I wonder what his prize is. Maybe a free prostate exam...

It turns out that the announcers in Nashville couldn't believe that Bertuzzi had actually saved the game a second night in a row either, since they seemed pretty sure that Zetterberg had scored the goal, but the screams of "HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP, TODD, ARE YOU KIDDING ME, OH MY GOD BERTUZZI WHAT THE CRAP!" that were coming from my phone sounded surer than they did.

Let's revisit that moment again, shall we?

Ah... beautiful.

And it was Chris Osgood's 396th career win, which took him 5 weeks to get. Good lord.

Even your mom loves Todd Bertuzzi

Be honest - none of you expected last night's game from Todd Bertuzzi at the beginning of the season. I didn't even expect that from Todd Bertuzzi, and I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt all season.

And what do you do to the guy who just threw your NHL win-count into double-digits? You make him eat your catching glove. We noticed in Grand Rapids that Jimmy was particularly fond of joining goal celebrations, going so far as to skate out to center ice with his arm out hoping that somebody would notice him and give a little love. But even for him, that was a little epic.

There's a running bet between me and my sister (that will probably never be resolved) about why Ozzie wasn't in net. She thinks it's because of his strange and highly vocal love of playing against Nashville.

I think he was in mourning for Tiger Woods' hiatus from golf and was emotionally unable to play.

I love him but he's like a child.

So despite having been performed on a player that already had an injury, I'm calling the voodoo a success. Now all I have to do is find a Martin Erat card and a box of matches, and tonight's game is in the bag.

Because we're playing Nashville again tonight. Train whistles ahoy.

Friday, December 11, 2009

This is a gross season.

You never want to use injuries as an excuse for losing games (in fact, you see hockey players yelling at members of the media for trying to), because good teams find ways around adversity.

At the same time, no amount of yelling on Kris Draper's part is going to bring back Dan Cleary any sooner.

I looked down the Wing's roster today at all the little marks for day-to-day and IR, and if it hadn't been this season's Red Wings I was looking at, I would have laughed until I peed. The only reason I'm not calling injury bullshit on the universe is that, to my knowledge, none of them involved banana peels, sexual escapades, extended chase sequences, or any other three-stooges-type comical accident. So maybe that's where you'll find consolation - the team's just unlucky, they're not actually cursed.

Or maybe they are. Maybe some psychopath Blackhawks fan bought a bunch of Red Wing hockey cards, tied them up with black thread, knotted it seven times, wished a wish of fail over it and stuck it in their freezer (which I have totally never done to the Penguins during the finals).

Yeah, so that's the story I'm going with. "Trisha, can you explain the Wings' lack of offense and responsible defensive coverage against everybody and their mom this season?"


Immediate counter-measures are already underway.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A recap of things you probably already know

Tonight the Wings take on the Blues, in what I'm assuming will be a painfully empty Joe Louis Arena. About three hours ago I got a text practically begging me to buy student rush tickets (if I were home, you better believe I would be there), and rumor has it that only around 12,000 tickets have been sold for this game. If the weather in Detroit is anything like it is up here in the Grand Rapids area, I'm assuming that it's playing a pretty big role in this, but it still worries me.

-As I'm sure you've all heard unless you've been living under a rock, Darren McCarty has officially announced his retirement. Snapshots has a nice compilation of teammate's thoughts on this here.

-On a happy note, Valtter Filppula got the cast on his arm removed, and is on the road to return later this month.

-Ken Holland and Mike Babcock once again won the team competition to raise the most money for the Salvation Army yesterday. Anyone else smell cheating here?

Anyway, hopefully this game will be better than the Sweden games against St. Louis, and the Wings can come out of it with a full two points.

Monday, December 7, 2009

A three point weekend that could have been worse

Normally when there's back-to-back games and this blog only covers the second game, it's out of laziness. This time it's out of the fact that I was at a Griffins game and Lindsay was at a dance recital.

And from what I've heard, all I would have had to say about the New Jersey game was "It must have been an improvement from the last one because the Wings got a point and didn't score any goals on themselves".

Oh hey, check that out. It's like we just covered the first game.

On to games the Red Wings have actually won

Some thoughts on last night's win:

- Ugh, that ice was awful. I am so grateful the Pistons are at the Palace.

- Speaking of which, those intermission highlights of the Pistons game were starting to give me disconcerting flashbacks to Vipers games I thought I didn't remember.

- BRENDAN SHANAHAN. Once upon a time, there was a little girl who really loved the Red Wings. A few of them in particular she loved more than others, and among these was one named Brendan Shanahan. He had been constructed out of imported Irish awesomeness and filled with 500 metric shit-tons of 80 carat win. After three lifetimes of playing for the Red Wings, Brendan Shanahan walked off into the night, never to be heard from again. This made the little girl very sad. Until one day, he gave an interview during second intermission of a game between the Red Wings and the Rangers where he looked out from the tv screen and said "thank you Detroit", and it filled the little girl with such diabetically syrup-thick sugary joy that she almost cried.

And guys? That little girl was me.

- If the neighbors weren't wondering about the state of my mental health before, they probably are now after the save on that penalty shot caused me to loudly profess my undying love for Jimmy Howard.

- Hypothetical situation - Sean Avery and Henrik Zetterberg go into a corner. Who comes out with a penalty? Because before last night I would not have said Henrik Zetterberg. I give Sean a solid 7.5 on that dive, though. For a second there, I almost bought it.

- Does Kris Draper hold the record for most empty-net goals in franchise history? If he doesn't, I'd like to know who the hell does.

You know, I think I like this whole "winning games" business. The Wings should do it more often.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Do you know what that was?

At least they won't smell out of place when they head out to New Jersey this weekend.

Get it? Because the whole state smells like burning garbage. I'm making fun of people to make myself feel better. It's working.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Trying to go for three in a row

Tonight we're going to see a match-up of two teams limping through injuries.

For the Red Wings, this means limping harder than last time, because Brian Rafalski's out with... a worrysome back.

In his place, Wings have called up Griffins blueliner Jakub Kindl. Say hi to the people, Jakub.


Last season he had 6 goals and 27 assists in Grand Rapids. He is two hundred and ten pounds of pure unadulterated awesomeness*.

*Actual purity of awesomeness will vary. Contents may settle during shipping.

He's been pretty good with the Griffins the last few years, and I'm excited that he's getting his shot, but... I'd be more excited if the Wings had less injuries and more wins on the season.

The Oilers are at 9-14-4 right now, unless I utterly fail at counting, but assuming your team is going to beat someone just because they've won more games so far is setting yourself up to weep bitter tears of anguish into your pillow at night. The Wings lost their last game against Edmonton in a come-from-behind-to-toy-with-your-emotions shootout which took place at approximately four in the morning eastern standard time. I think Darren Helm scored his first regular season goal that night, even though CBC still hasn't recognized him for it in their Kia Fantasy Pool (stop being dicks, you guys, I saw it happen).

And unless Mike Babcock's been changing his mind last minute again (what? no, that never happens...), it'll be Howard in net again tonight.

Let the ridiculousness commence. Go Wings.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

That's more like it

I want more games like that one. More games where my biggest complaint is that most of the goals scored were deflections and strange bounces, so we didn't get to see Datsyuk deke the shit out of Turco. Again. And again and again. Actually, someday I plan on compiling a video collection of The Detroit Red Wings Making Marty Turco Look Foolish and burning it to dvd. Oh man, I would watch that everyday.

Someday Marty Turco is going to have a nervous breakdown, come to Detroit, and try to set Joe Louis Arena aflame. You'll see it on the news, and tell your children I remember; I was there.