Sunday, December 27, 2009

Even our aunt loves Todd Bertuzzi

No, really. I mean, at first it was sort of cute, you know, like aw, our crazy lady aunt has a crush on Todd!, but then he started scoring every goal in the game again, and no, my aunt loves Todd Bertuzzi.

Like, when they interviewed him in postgame it was "Shhh, my boyfriend's talking! Isn't he cute!" And our aunt's not the cool aunt who's only seven years older than you are. She's like your mom. I mean, I never understood those people who would melt from embarassment over their mothers having gushing crushes on George Clooney, but I get it now. I definitely get it now.

Not that I can really blame her - admit it: if Todd Bertuzzi keeps being the only Red Wing who can consistently win us games, you'll be in love with him before too long too.

By the end of that game, I wanted to say that it was the greatest game in the history of the franchise, but that's only because it feels like it's been three years since the Wings have walked away with a point. In actuality, that was pretty gross, but I'd rather the team win gross games than lose at all.

- Howard was pretty good from where I was sitting. I understand going with the hot goalie, but Ozzie's four wins away from 400, and as happy as I am with Jimmy's performance, I want him to make there. He's been my favorite forever; it makes me sad.

- No, seriously - holy crap Todd Bertuzzi. I don't even know what's going on.

- I could bitch about the first period, but if the Red Wings are going to spend a third of each game sleeping, I would much prefer they choose the first and not the third. I miss the days when the Wings would mount a spectacular win and I would sit down at the computer and complain for three paragraphs about defensive coverage and lack of secondary scoring. I like that better than lamenting the end of the universe because they played alright and lost.

- I watched every replay of Helm's save, but I'm still not sure how he did it. I think he must have been moving faster than the cameras could pick up.

Do we really have to watch the BJs again? Twice in a row? This schedule is janky.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

So because two games in a row against Chicago makes me sad, I'm not going to talk about it.

I'm going to talk about other things I hate.

About a week ago, Lindsay found this post on her internet travels. It sparked a little discussion (and a lot of ranting) about what makes a truly obnoxious seat-mate. It's all pretty subjective - some of our death-by-fire game-ruiners might be your colorful ambiance-providers and vice versa. Hell, we couldn't even agree on most of these, and only agreed to include them all because they managed to add up to ten, which is generally the most accepted number of items to put on one of these things. You're probably going to disagree with a few of these.

So with that in mind, here are Hockeytown Static's Top Ten Most Obnoxious People at a Hockey Game:

10. People with whistles. Actually, neither of us have ever been to a hockey game where they were blowing train whistles (which is probably a good thing for the people blowing them), but it's a fear we have for the future.

9. Puckbunnies. Ok, so we're girls - we understand if you want to look good when you go out, even to a hockey game. And we understand if you appreciate the physical attractiveness of the players on the ice - that's biology. Hell, I guess we can even concede to tolerate all the "PUCK ME" and "Lebda your (sic) a hottie!" signs, even if it means that, again, us being girls, among a lot of fans we have to work twice as hard and dress twice as frumpily to prove our credibility.

But when I'm glowing with childlike glee at finally getting a chance to see the players I worshiped as heroes as a child and you push past me and block my view of Lidstrom or Hank or Ozzie during warm-ups so that you can try to slip Jonathan Ericsson your number through the crack in the glass? Bitch, you've crossed a line.

8. The Griffins $1 beer crowd. I've never really had a problem with the people at Van Andel who were there for the hockey and really excited that the beer was just a buck (actually, the best time I've ever had at a hockey game was when the guys in front of us got wasted and two of them nearly went to blows over whether or not Wayne Gretzky was the greatest hockey player of all time). But the arena fills up every Friday night, mainly with people just there to get drunk. They're loud, obnoxious, and usually have no idea what a puck even is, but they can get wasted and eat a whole meal for under $20 (including tickets), so they're there. And while I think it's great that you're having a good time and all, I don't really want to spill beer on me, hit on my sister during second intermission, and then cheer for the wrong team during the shootout.

7. People who stand during THE WHOLE intermission. Not get up and stretch a little. Not head out to the concourse to pee out five dollars worth of dollar beer and then come back a little while later. Not jump up when there's a chance to catch free t-shirts. People who actually stand up right in front of their seats and chat for a solid 15 minutes. I know the intermission entertainment is lame. I don't care. Maybe my kid's out there with his mini-mites team. Maybe my best friend's trying to throw frisbees into the net for a free jersey. Maybe I've got a thing for juggling Elvises. And maybe I paid good money for my $10 standing room only ticket and want to watch the Stormtroopers dance. Sit the hell down, dammit.

6. People who wear jerseys of teams not playing in the game you are attending. We understand that there can be exceptions - like teams that have some kind of personal or geographical tie to one of the teams playing (like wearing a team Sweden or an old Vipers jersey to a Wings game, or a Shane Doan Jets jersey to a Coyotes game), or like a Chiefs jersey (which no hockey game is really complete without). But if you go to a Wings vs. Flames game in Detroit wearing a Crosby 2010 Olympic Team Canada jersey, you are just a prognosticating tool. The roster hasn't even been finalized yet, and obviously you're just doing it to brag, but you've come to the wrong place.

5. That one guy who steals the goal light after the final game at Olympia and makes it into an honest to God lamp. Then they give the lamp away, with no thought at all that maybe in a few years they would have two daughters who pretty much worship the Detroit Red Wings. Thanks, Dad.

4. Grown adults who are at their first hockey game and still don't quite get it. I appreciate your effort sir, but I don't want to sit next to you for three hours while you tell your friend (and their friends are never all that knowledgeable about the game) how it's like football on ice. No, it's not. It's like soccer on crack on ice. But you don't know that, because you don't watch soccer either. And I'm talking about the people who aren't ever going to watch hockey again, who spend third period on their cell phones because they got bored of not being able to follow the puck. You're not obnoxious because you don't know what icing is - you're obnoxious because you're yelling over the hockey-noise, right in my ear, about how you totally almost scored the other night with some hot chick.

3. That guy who spends literally the entire game standing two rows in front of you on his cell phone trying to get the attention of his friend on the other side of the arena. Ok, cool - make sure your buddy knows where you're sitting, have a wave, point him out to the guy you're sitting with - if you can't find each other in less than five actual minutes, give up, because you're not going to pick each other out among the other 8,000 people at Joe Louis Arena wearing red shirts and black baseball caps, half of whom are on their cell phones waving across the ice right along with you. And you don't need to continuously stand up and signal to each other via semaphore during actual game play - cross-arena communication is what the Finns invented texting for. Don't make me spend the entire game with your arms waving around my line of vision, listening to you say "No, over here! Yeah, I'm over here, in the one like two down from the left goal. No, MY left. Yeah. No, that's not me. I'm waving! Can you see me? Where are you?"

2. People who get drunk enough to fail at insulting the players so epically that I almost don't hate them, but love them for the entertainment. Most of this I've experienced thanks to dollar beer night at Van Andel (why would you yell 'GO BACK TO STATE!' at Jimmy Howard? He went to University of Maine), and is part of the reason I don't like the people who only come for the dollar beers. Can you tell that dollar beer night is a complicated love-hate relationship for me? It confuses my emotions toward alcohol.

1. People who yell "SHOOT!" when there is clearly no shooting lane open. I mean, I get it - it's frustrating when you're stuck watching your team pass the puck to each other at the blue line during a powerplay in the last dying seconds of the game. And sometimes hockey players don't do enough getting the puck to the net (back when he was with the Griffins, Ville Leino, I swear to God, would back-pass on a breakaway. I saw it happen! More than once!) and you want them to shoot - I want them to shoot too. Maybe enough to shout a little encouragement every once in a while. But I can promise you that Nick Lidstrom has a better idea of when to shoot the puck than that drunk guy sitting three rows behind me. So drunk guy three rows behind me yelling "SHOOT IT!" every thirty seconds? Unless your name is Steven Gregory Yzerman, and I know it's not, keep your freaking mouth shut.

Good lord, hockey makes me angry.

Monday, December 21, 2009


Well, that was a depressing weekend. The Wings lost all 4 of the possible points they could have skated away with in two games against Dallas and Chicago.

I honestly stopped paying attention during the third period of the game against Chicago. I don't know if it was just the game, or it was a combination of the game and the season, or if it was all of that and this wicked caffiene headache (lack of caffiene headache?) I've been nursing most of the day, but at some point around second intermission, I had lost the will to live. The Wings were playing that way too. The defensive coverage was bad, the goaltending was questionable, and the offense was so horrible that it was nonexistant.

On the bright side, there's only about 50 more days until Franzen comes back.
(I might have just vomited on my keyboard after typing that. I don't think I can handle this season anymore. It's just too ridiculous.)

Friday, December 18, 2009

Why am I blaming everything on voodoo this year?

Top five reasons why the Hockeytown No Limits commercial might be cursed:

5. It's not actually cursed, because Franzen and Williams weren't in it, and Kronner only in a highly diminished capacity - but Mattias Ritola and Jakub Kindl have been holding voodoo doll parties in Grand Rapids.

4. Steve Yzerman should have been in it.

3. Allowing the universal spread of the "Hockeytown" moniker, while only fair to faraway Wings fans, has spread the magic too thin.

2. Tempting fate - "No limits? Lets give them some!"

1. The director was actually an Avs fan.

Babcock better be glad it's not the same curse as last year, when every team that went to Europe to start the season had a different coach by the end of it.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Why are there two hockey teams in Florida anyway?

Tonight's ugly sweater night at the Joe!

Trying to find the ugliest sweater in hockey led me to some very dark places. The Vancouver Canucks of the 1970s. Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Nabokov. Henrik Zetterberg's penchant for wearing questionable sweater vests to press conferences.

But the winner, as with most things, has to be Steve Yzerman.

yeah, you wish your sweaters were as ugly as his

As for the game... to tell you the truth, I'm not overly fond of Tampa Bay in the first place, since (with maybe the exception of Nikolai Khabibulin (although, who knows what sort of crippling personal issues he might have walked away with)) that team seems to eventually destroy everything it touches. The Vipers... Gary Roberts' career... Vinny Lecavalier and Brad Richards' guy-love... to the point where I blame them for causing the lock-out by winning the Cup in 04.

Of course I want the Red Wings to win this one. They haven't won four in a row yet this season, and not only would it probably be a confidence thing for the team, it would make me feel better about life.

But to be perfectly honest, I'm more worried about winning the next six. It's the Tampa Bay Lightning - I'll get over it if the Wings lose. I care more about beating Dallas, Chicago twice, Columbus twice, and Colorado.

Ugh, happy holidays. Who the crap is responsible for this schedule bullshit?

It's about damn time

We updated our links. Don't be offended if you're toward the bottom - I organized it by length of blog name (and it still bothers me that it looks like we need somebody between Babcock's Death Stare and Nightmare on Helm Street. I tried to fix that problem, but I ended up with what looked like a boob with Snipe Snipe Dangle Dangle as the nipple. That plan got the axe pretty fast). Yes, it has occurred to me that I might have some form of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Among the new highlights:
- I'm not actually sure how The Triple Deke, SS,DD, and Babcock's Death Stare (and probably a couple others) didn't make it on here the first time we put links up, because I actually thought they were already here. Strange.
- Fight Night at the Joe - because Norwegians are kind of awesome
- The Winged Wheel has winged wheel-shaped bullet points, which is pretty badass
- The Obstructed View isn't a blog so much as it is a podcast, and definitely worth a listen

If you think we forgot you, chew us out about it in the comments.

(Oh, and for those of you who follow us on Twitter - our tweets will be restricted for the next three weeks. We have dial-up internet, a single phone line, and a mother with a serious addiction to free Zuma on aol games. Yay Christmas break.)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Rejoice - The Wings Have Won!

And then despair because this team seriously can't play a game without somebody limping out early.

when we've cleared out all the Griffins, do we hit the Walleye next?

If the last few games are any indications, Thursday against Tampa Bay is going to involve Brad May scoring a hat trick and at least one player leaving the ice unable to return. I'm not making a guess on which one - I've already lost $10 on Darren Helm this week.

Anyway, it probably angers the hockey gods to bet on player injuries. Andreas Lilja technically won me fifteen dollars last season, but Lindsay refuses to pay up until it's been determined that my winning the bet didn't actually end his career.

Some thoughts on tonight's game:
- My mom spent every second of Kris Newbury's first penalty berating him like a child about doing stupid things his first few seconds on the ice, but when he came out of the box and scored out of nowhere, she got real quiet, real fast.

- Actually, I like Kris Newbury taking penalties if they're all going to result, directly or indirectly, in the Red Wings scoring. I hope Babs sends him out there every shift with the order to hook, trip, grab, slash, and hold everything that moves.

- If you want a cheap laugh, remember what Kris Newbury's face looks like in real life, when he was skating around tonight, and then take a gander at his Griffins roster pic. I mean, he looks better than the in-game picture in person to begin with. The roster pic... he must have insulted that camera's mother. And I know I'm not imagining it, because I overheard two 12 year old boys having a serious conversation about it at a Griffins game.

- I don't really want to think about Jonathan Ericsson right now. At the end of the game, the announcers were hoping it would just be a contusion, but Lindsay saw Mike Serven's (via twitter: @mserven) frame-by-frame of the moment of impact and said it looked pretty bad.

But we got two points! (in regulation, even) so for now I'm happy.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Todd Bertuzzi is as awesome as college is not

I don't actually know if I have words right now for my feelings toward Todd Bertuzzi. Which is unfortunate, because the end of that game was really the only part I remember now. (That and the pukey feeling I got every time I saw somebody go down, since we're pretty much out of bodies right now.) Bertuzzi's surprise repeat awesomeness has overpowered my short-term memory banks.

I do have words for Grand Valley's inability to pick up FS+, stranding me with the Nashville feed on the internet. Most of them I tend to avoid in polite company. Some of you may remember that this is not the first time I have subjected myself to this torture. Tonight was no improvement.

First of all, the Predators are having a mustache contest for prostate awareness. That's right. They're growing porno-tastic facial-hair to encourage men to let complete strangers shove their cold fingers... I mean, I'm all for prostate health, but really, Nashville? Really?

What's more, instead of Red Wings player of the game updates, I was encouraged to vote for my favorite Pred-stache (which is now my new replacement word for "pedo-stache". Even the hockey-ignorant will get the joke).

*gagging noises...*

Alright Bubba, I'll bite. My vote was for Dan Hamhuis because his looks the most well-groomed.

Sadly, my vote counted for nothing, as J.P. Dumont won the contest by a landslide.

I wonder what his prize is. Maybe a free prostate exam...

It turns out that the announcers in Nashville couldn't believe that Bertuzzi had actually saved the game a second night in a row either, since they seemed pretty sure that Zetterberg had scored the goal, but the screams of "HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP, TODD, ARE YOU KIDDING ME, OH MY GOD BERTUZZI WHAT THE CRAP!" that were coming from my phone sounded surer than they did.

Let's revisit that moment again, shall we?

Ah... beautiful.

And it was Chris Osgood's 396th career win, which took him 5 weeks to get. Good lord.

Even your mom loves Todd Bertuzzi

Be honest - none of you expected last night's game from Todd Bertuzzi at the beginning of the season. I didn't even expect that from Todd Bertuzzi, and I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt all season.

And what do you do to the guy who just threw your NHL win-count into double-digits? You make him eat your catching glove. We noticed in Grand Rapids that Jimmy was particularly fond of joining goal celebrations, going so far as to skate out to center ice with his arm out hoping that somebody would notice him and give a little love. But even for him, that was a little epic.

There's a running bet between me and my sister (that will probably never be resolved) about why Ozzie wasn't in net. She thinks it's because of his strange and highly vocal love of playing against Nashville.

I think he was in mourning for Tiger Woods' hiatus from golf and was emotionally unable to play.

I love him but he's like a child.

So despite having been performed on a player that already had an injury, I'm calling the voodoo a success. Now all I have to do is find a Martin Erat card and a box of matches, and tonight's game is in the bag.

Because we're playing Nashville again tonight. Train whistles ahoy.

Friday, December 11, 2009

This is a gross season.

You never want to use injuries as an excuse for losing games (in fact, you see hockey players yelling at members of the media for trying to), because good teams find ways around adversity.

At the same time, no amount of yelling on Kris Draper's part is going to bring back Dan Cleary any sooner.

I looked down the Wing's roster today at all the little marks for day-to-day and IR, and if it hadn't been this season's Red Wings I was looking at, I would have laughed until I peed. The only reason I'm not calling injury bullshit on the universe is that, to my knowledge, none of them involved banana peels, sexual escapades, extended chase sequences, or any other three-stooges-type comical accident. So maybe that's where you'll find consolation - the team's just unlucky, they're not actually cursed.

Or maybe they are. Maybe some psychopath Blackhawks fan bought a bunch of Red Wing hockey cards, tied them up with black thread, knotted it seven times, wished a wish of fail over it and stuck it in their freezer (which I have totally never done to the Penguins during the finals).

Yeah, so that's the story I'm going with. "Trisha, can you explain the Wings' lack of offense and responsible defensive coverage against everybody and their mom this season?"


Immediate counter-measures are already underway.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A recap of things you probably already know

Tonight the Wings take on the Blues, in what I'm assuming will be a painfully empty Joe Louis Arena. About three hours ago I got a text practically begging me to buy student rush tickets (if I were home, you better believe I would be there), and rumor has it that only around 12,000 tickets have been sold for this game. If the weather in Detroit is anything like it is up here in the Grand Rapids area, I'm assuming that it's playing a pretty big role in this, but it still worries me.

-As I'm sure you've all heard unless you've been living under a rock, Darren McCarty has officially announced his retirement. Snapshots has a nice compilation of teammate's thoughts on this here.

-On a happy note, Valtter Filppula got the cast on his arm removed, and is on the road to return later this month.

-Ken Holland and Mike Babcock once again won the team competition to raise the most money for the Salvation Army yesterday. Anyone else smell cheating here?

Anyway, hopefully this game will be better than the Sweden games against St. Louis, and the Wings can come out of it with a full two points.

Monday, December 7, 2009

A three point weekend that could have been worse

Normally when there's back-to-back games and this blog only covers the second game, it's out of laziness. This time it's out of the fact that I was at a Griffins game and Lindsay was at a dance recital.

And from what I've heard, all I would have had to say about the New Jersey game was "It must have been an improvement from the last one because the Wings got a point and didn't score any goals on themselves".

Oh hey, check that out. It's like we just covered the first game.

On to games the Red Wings have actually won

Some thoughts on last night's win:

- Ugh, that ice was awful. I am so grateful the Pistons are at the Palace.

- Speaking of which, those intermission highlights of the Pistons game were starting to give me disconcerting flashbacks to Vipers games I thought I didn't remember.

- BRENDAN SHANAHAN. Once upon a time, there was a little girl who really loved the Red Wings. A few of them in particular she loved more than others, and among these was one named Brendan Shanahan. He had been constructed out of imported Irish awesomeness and filled with 500 metric shit-tons of 80 carat win. After three lifetimes of playing for the Red Wings, Brendan Shanahan walked off into the night, never to be heard from again. This made the little girl very sad. Until one day, he gave an interview during second intermission of a game between the Red Wings and the Rangers where he looked out from the tv screen and said "thank you Detroit", and it filled the little girl with such diabetically syrup-thick sugary joy that she almost cried.

And guys? That little girl was me.

- If the neighbors weren't wondering about the state of my mental health before, they probably are now after the save on that penalty shot caused me to loudly profess my undying love for Jimmy Howard.

- Hypothetical situation - Sean Avery and Henrik Zetterberg go into a corner. Who comes out with a penalty? Because before last night I would not have said Henrik Zetterberg. I give Sean a solid 7.5 on that dive, though. For a second there, I almost bought it.

- Does Kris Draper hold the record for most empty-net goals in franchise history? If he doesn't, I'd like to know who the hell does.

You know, I think I like this whole "winning games" business. The Wings should do it more often.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Do you know what that was?

At least they won't smell out of place when they head out to New Jersey this weekend.

Get it? Because the whole state smells like burning garbage. I'm making fun of people to make myself feel better. It's working.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Trying to go for three in a row

Tonight we're going to see a match-up of two teams limping through injuries.

For the Red Wings, this means limping harder than last time, because Brian Rafalski's out with... a worrysome back.

In his place, Wings have called up Griffins blueliner Jakub Kindl. Say hi to the people, Jakub.


Last season he had 6 goals and 27 assists in Grand Rapids. He is two hundred and ten pounds of pure unadulterated awesomeness*.

*Actual purity of awesomeness will vary. Contents may settle during shipping.

He's been pretty good with the Griffins the last few years, and I'm excited that he's getting his shot, but... I'd be more excited if the Wings had less injuries and more wins on the season.

The Oilers are at 9-14-4 right now, unless I utterly fail at counting, but assuming your team is going to beat someone just because they've won more games so far is setting yourself up to weep bitter tears of anguish into your pillow at night. The Wings lost their last game against Edmonton in a come-from-behind-to-toy-with-your-emotions shootout which took place at approximately four in the morning eastern standard time. I think Darren Helm scored his first regular season goal that night, even though CBC still hasn't recognized him for it in their Kia Fantasy Pool (stop being dicks, you guys, I saw it happen).

And unless Mike Babcock's been changing his mind last minute again (what? no, that never happens...), it'll be Howard in net again tonight.

Let the ridiculousness commence. Go Wings.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

That's more like it

I want more games like that one. More games where my biggest complaint is that most of the goals scored were deflections and strange bounces, so we didn't get to see Datsyuk deke the shit out of Turco. Again. And again and again. Actually, someday I plan on compiling a video collection of The Detroit Red Wings Making Marty Turco Look Foolish and burning it to dvd. Oh man, I would watch that everyday.

Someday Marty Turco is going to have a nervous breakdown, come to Detroit, and try to set Joe Louis Arena aflame. You'll see it on the news, and tell your children I remember; I was there.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Sweet Swedish retribution

The St. Louis game put us in a position where, for the first time either of us could remember, so long as no Red Wings left the ice dead or injured, or as long as they scored a single goal (that counted), we would be satisfied.

The realization that this was the point to which the season had sunken our spirits sort of made me want to throw up a little in my mouth.

Watching Todd Bertuzzi skate out on the ice to take the shootout made me want to throw up a lot in my mouth, and the awful sound of the puck hitting the post that I 100% expected to hear still sort of haunts my nightmares (and I actually like Todd Bertuzzi, so I don't want to imagine how horrible that moment must have been for the haters) even though he actually got the puck in the back of the net and I danced around the living room in happiness.

The Wings are still gunning for a home ice being-shut-out record of like ten thousand minutes though.

I'd post something relevant about tonight's game against the Dallas Stars, but all I have is a rant about how I want the Eurotwins back on a line together and a picture of Marty Turco shirtless. I'll post either upon sufficient request.

But if there's sufficient request for naked Turco, I might have to retire from blogging forever.

Saturday, November 28, 2009


Two games. 80 shots on net. No goals. The first double shutout since 1977.




Maybe I should have been a little more specific when I said that I wanted to witness Red Wings history when I attended the only two games I was going to get to attend in probably two years.

I'm not really sure how this makes me feel. I don't know if I want to be angry, or if I want to laugh, or if I want to throw myself off the ambassador bridge, or maybe I want to do all three. I had the urge to do all three today, but I don't think jumping off a bridge while laughing angrily at hockey is quite the way I want to go. But I don't even have anything relevant to say about the game yet, except that it was ridiculous. I'm sort of too in shock right now at it having happened in the first place to form an opinion about it.

Seriously, what was that?

Remember how Lindsay wanted to corner Jarome Iginla in an elevator and give him a swift kick in the shins for his team's past transgressions before tonight's game? Her blind hatred of the Calgary Flames has now crossed over into the realm of the comedic. I've spent most of the night whispering "Dion Phaneuf" from across the room and watching her face spasm with disgust.

It's funny in the same way that disallowed goals aren't.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving

While I agree that the Wings could have played that game with a little more jump and eagerness, you can’t fault them for a lack of effort. 40 shots on goal and not a single one in Atlanta’s net? That Pavelec kid was kind of ridiculous, and I’m sure the save he made in the second period will be on all the week’s highlight reels.

This being Thanksgiving (unless you’re in Canada, then this being Thursday), here is a list of things I am thankful for:

-That at least nobody got injured in that game
-Henrik Zetterberg
-The infinite classiness of Wings fans, who gave a pretty earnest clap for Slava Kozlov’s second period goal
-East side accents. I know you have no idea what I’m talking about, because you can’t hear them, but trust me – milling around a building full of locals going ‘hockey’ this and ‘pop’ that after having spent the last four weeks up in the Grand Rapids area? It was heaven.

But this whole not winning thing? Sort of beginning to become an issue. Those two goals Jimmy let in last night could have been the softest two goals ever to have been scored in the National Hockey League, and I’d still have trouble faulting him for the loss because you sort of have to score at least once to win a game.

Yeah. Yeah, the Red Wings got shut out by the Atlanta Thrashers. The good news is that when you’re done puking about that, you’ll have more room for turkey.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

At least we got to see Darren McCarty?

There's not really much to say about last night's game. The penalty kill sucked, Brian Engblom's hair sucked, the final score sucked, and as usual in Nashville, the fans sucked. Or I guess maybe they blew. Because god forbid Jordin Tootoo take a shift without the world being alterted. If I ever find myself in Nashville, I am marching into the Sommet Center with a jug of lighter fluid and a match, and burning everyone's train whistles. In a big, giant train whistle bonfire.

(yeah you best view that shit full-sized.)

I literally watched half the game on mute so I didn't have to listen to it. But the final fwa-eeeeet that they'd all make together as the superheated air of the whistle-fire blew through them? Would be worth hearing.

Also, after martin Erat's hat trick--- oh wait, he only scored two goals? So it wasn't a hat trick then? Well that's good to know. I guess I got a little confused from there having been more hats thrown on the ice for him than there were after Teemu Selanne's actual hat tick against the Wings last season in Anaheim. Maybe they just thought three goals for one team in a game or three points for one player in a game was a hat trick. That's an honest mistake that anyone could make.

I feel bad for the 8 or 10 Nashville fans that actually like hockey.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

And things go from bad to good to worse

Well, the Wings managed to come out of that game with two points after giving up a 2-0 lead and forcing it to a shootout, which was sort of awesome because lately I just expect a ridiculous loss every time they step out onto the ice (it's hard to be disappointed when you keep expectations low). It was really nice seeing the Eurotwins back in their usual form. More importantly though, they came out of it with only five defensemen.

According to the Detroit Free Press, Kronwall will be out a minimum of two weeks with a sprained MCL. Wonderful.

This is the sort of thing where I'm not exactly sure where my opinion lies. On the one hand, the homer in me wants to call Ultimate Foul, ban Laraque from the league and put the Wings on the man advantage the full 60 minutes of our next eight games.

And then, rationally speaking, I don't really think there was any intent to injure, at least not injure seriously - hockey is by nature a dangerous game of centimeters and sometimes millimeters, where huge men go barreling across giant sheets of ice with knives strapped to their feet, knocking into each other at high speed, and not everyone can always pay attention to where every part of everyone else's body is at any given time, let alone the sticks they all carry, or the little fleck of rubber they send at each other in occasional excess of 100mph - unfortunate accidents happen (especially this season, it seems). And part of me is willing to just let this one go as an unfortunate accident. I don't really care if Laroque gets a suspension - I just want Kronner back.

Still. He didn't have to stick his leg out. He'd already just knocked Helm in the teeth - he didn't need to try to trip anyone. And now we're out another guy, for god only knows how long. Ugh. Laraque. You unclassy, whorish bastard. How dare you.

At least he's not out four months. I guess.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Puketastical (Link Updated)

I know that all signs point to this season being back-weighted on wins - surely we'll get more production when Filppula and Franzen come back from injuryland - but right now the statistics say that the Wings are on track to win 41 games this season.

And I'd really like them to aim a little higher than that.

The really frustrating thing is that they're not playing like complete shit in every game they lose, but they're losing them anyway. I feel like beating my head against a wall.

But I'm not allowed to hit walls on purpose. I crack enough drywall unintentionally.

To distract yourselves, go read an article about hat tricks and curly fries that yours truly was interviewed for.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Just your average referee rant

Well that was pukey. The Wings lost to the Stars 3-1, and as I'm sure all you who watched the game are aware, the score should have been 3-2.

Play whistled down? Intent to blow the whistle? Really? It took him over two seconds to raise his hand to his mouth? I don't even know. I could put some of the blame on Toronto for being lame, but I'm not. I'm putting it on Dennis LaRue. I will always put it on Dennis LaRue, because it's always his fault. Trisha said it best back in May:

"I hate Dennis LaRue. Every time I see a tiny man skate onto the ice wearing a striped jersey with a number 14 on the back, my stomach drops because I know I’m about to sit through at least sixty minutes of ridiculousness. I hate it. There are some refs in this league I give second chances to, allow occasional mistakes from, try to forgive a little even if I can’t forget (because we’re all human) – but Dennis LaRue is not one of those refs. I want to get him alone in an elevator so I can kick him in the shins more than I do Jarome Iginla."

As you can see, there's not much love going around Hockeytown Static for that man.

Besides that outrage, this game put back a lot of the worries that I had in the beginning of the season back in my head. It's not that this game was extraordinarily bad, but the Wings just didn't seem to have the same drive that they've had for the last few games. Maybe I'll just forget this game ever happened...

But at least I got to watch the game. Our dad is in Texas for a couple of day on a business trip, and he was happy the Wings were playing the Stars because then he would be able to still see the game. So he went back to his hotel room, and there was no game. Then he went to TGI Friday's, and still no game. Finally he went to a bar and asked the bartender if he could turn on one of the T.V.s to the game, and the bartender responded "Sorry but we don't have it. We don't watch a lot of hockey in Texas". I can't decide if this is funny or sad. Maybe it's both. Here's to hoping Friday's game against Florida is less painful to watch.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

And they were the most delicious curly fries I have ever eaten

I almost thought the Arby's Curse truly existed. I remember reading somewhere that last season was the Wings' first hat-trick-less season since sometime in the mid-70s. Craziness.

Also craziness - Chris Osgood still has... whatever it is he's got. I don't know why fate is constantly conspiring to keep Ozzie a backup goalie.

And we're playing Dallas on Wednesday. A game against Dallas can get real ugly, real fast, even without a rookie goalie and a team riddled with injuries and illness. Especially now that Marty Turco thinks he can just waltz into Joe Louis Arena and win games.

Which is why we've sent our father, who's in Texas this week on business, on a secret undercover mission to sabotage the Dallas Stars.

So far he's had strong words with three people who look sort of like Mike Modano, and egged Steve Ott's next door neighbor's house.

We should have hired a professional.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Arby's here I come!

Wings beat Anaheim 7-4 in what ended up being one of the most exciting games that I've seen in a long time. And while thankfully Chris Pronger wasn't in this game, Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf are starting to get to be just as annoying. They're like your annoying little cousin at Thanksgiving dinner that just won't stop poking you because they think it's funny. Well, it's not funny and neither are their constant goals against the Wings.

This game proved that while the Wings still have a long way to go this season in terms of defensive brain farts (coughJonathanEricssoncough), hitting goalposts, and taking bad penalties, the future is still looking bright. Leino looked good, Helm looked, well... fast, and Jimmy now has a mastodonic 5 NHL wins. Also tonight was the first hat trick in over a year. Not that I didn't love Hossa, but he apparently missed the memo on how to put the third puck in the net and just ended up being the ultimate roastbeef tease. Not Henrik Zetterberg. Nothing will be as sweet as walking into Arby's tomorrow holding the boxscore and asking for free potatoes. It's taken a freakishly long time, but it's here now.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Holy dear sweet Jimmy Howard

Well. That was pretty much a complete 180 from every worry I was developing ulcers from.

I mean, the Columbus game was just ridiculous on a level I don't think can be explained. When my team wins by more than five goals, I don't really have much to say except "awesome". Awesome.

And as much as you never want to see your starting goaltender sick at home, Howard's play in last night's game against Vancouver quelled dozens and dozens of worries I was starting to have about his development (and gave me a few new ones to mull over concerning rebound control, but... that's for later). I can only hope that this stretch of games is the momentum change in the season and that the Wings keep picking up steam.

At the same time, I'm not sure I want to get my hopes up for the future, if only because it still seems as though the Wings are unable to deliver any awesomeness until I'm sobbing into my hands with the fear of imminent torture thinking about the next game.

I think this is the kind of cycle of joy and agony that's supposed to be indicative of an abusive relationship. Hockey is a crappy boyfriend.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

So about this game on in a half an hour...

Pretty much the only thing I look forward to less than the Wings playing the BJs is the Wings playing the BJs when their roster is being quickly chopped to pieces by highly contagious Random Exploding Leg Syndrome and Albertan Swine Flu.

I've sort of been in a sleep-deprivation-induced haze the last couple of days, and as such, have nothing more to say about tonight's game.

But hey, look who we just picked up on waivers. Drew Miller's just the kind of scoring touch the team really... oh. Oh, nevermind. But we can put him on the roster and only count half his salary towards the cap, right? That's how waivers work? There are three things I never really bothered to learn in high school, and the waiver system is one of them. (the other two are mathematical proofs and how to apply eyeliner without poking myself in the eye, in case you're wondering.)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Congrats Stevie

This video dosen't really need any words. Steve Yzerman is practically a God to us, and now his face and legacy is forever immortalized in a little square piece of etched glass. I can't think of anyone who deserves this more. The Triple Deke and Abel to Yzerman summed up his importance in Detroit better than I could ever hope to. Read it and be amazed at all things Yzerman.

Thank you Steve, and congratulations.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

I scored a goal for the Leafs tonight

... didn't everyone?

I suppose, if I had power over these things, that I would have picked a different game to honor Steve Yzerman and Dan Cleary to score goal 100. One where the Red Wings didn't lose 5-1, and go down another forward because Jason Williams broke his leg.

If I were a better blogger, I would have diligently watched the game with my eyes glued to the screen so that I could break down the Wings' play period by period and explain to you exactly what went wrong, but around the third goal against my team, I usually start to zone out and hope that if I just don't look at it directly, it isn't really happening. Like if I don't watch the end of the game or check the scores online, the Red Wings won't have lost. They won't have won, but they'll never have lost. The more games go sour, the more I have this urge, and the more I have this urge, the more I'm convinced that Schrodinger was a hockey fan.

If you put a gun to my head and told my to think of something positive, I'd beg you to pull the trigger say that at least I got a good giggle out of watching Jonas Gustavsson stand next to Ted Lindsay and Johnny Bower to accept his player of the game award, because of how outlandishly tall he looked next to them.

And I'd make a bet on the next forward to get injured but the last time I bet on player injuries, I won five dollars and Andreas Lilja still isn't back in the lineup.

That's not even the worst game the Red Wings have played in the last year. Why does it feel like it was the epitome of gross, and the end of the world besides?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Aren't shootouts fun? (wherein I wax nostalgic)

Well that was exhilarating. But it was by no means perfect. The Wings had some bad turnovers in the first two periods, there were defensive brain lapses, and countless shots on a practically empty goal never found the back of the net. Thankfully, none of that mattered in the end and they were able to snap the Shark's 5-0 record after scoring the first goal and 6 game winning streak. The Triple Deke has a pretty solid three stars selection that I couldn't have put better myself. And it was good to see the Eurotwins remember how to score in the shootout. Those dekes were glorious.

And while I don't necessarily love the idea of having the winner of 65 minutes of NHL hockey be decided by how good a team's goaltender and top three scorers are, I have a small place in my heart for shootouts. Don't get me wrong; I wish every Wings game ended with Darren Helm getting a hat trick and a shutout for our goalie, but there is just something about them I really like. Maybe it's because I get to see Pavel and Hank do this:

But more than likely it's because of the IHL. When I was still an impressionable young child, my family attended a lot of Detroit Vipers games. The bulk of the memories I have from this team consist of the suites at the Palace, cotton candy, Vipe-bear, and shootouts followed by confetti.
More than likely, I'm combining two memories with the shootouts and confetti, but because they're particularly happy memories, the idea of a shootout brings me warm, happy feelings in the midst of the bleakness of being third in the division behind Chicago and Colombus (thankfully, we're only one game behind them).

Overall I'm happy. The Wings played a pretty solid game and if they can keep it at this level or maybe even push it a little more, I'll stay happy. I can actually see the team's confidence growing and it's giving me hope for the future. The Wings are missing a handful of their top/breakout players and are still managing to find wins even though the roster is filled out with players that would normally be scratched or shipped back over to the west side of the state with me. I have hope.

Maybe less of the team has the flu than was initially reported

I know I'm two days late on this, but wow, was Tuesday ever a game. I mean, sure, there were still more turnovers than I like seeing, and the Wings got lucky on... every bounce the puck made all night, but after a 2-0 game that looked like the Red Wings were finally starting to turn on the awesome-juice and gel together as a team (it's only been, what, a month now?), I don't know if I can complain.

Should I? I spent pretty much the entire first month of the season optimistic and hopeful. My team was awful.

Once I gave up on them, and life, and finally started to bitch about how awful they were playing, it took them all of two days to pull their act together.

So with that in mind, I don't think we'll ever make the playoffs if we keep playing like this. This is terrible. Worst team in the league. Where's our defense? Evgeni Nabokov's probably going to get a hat trick tonight and I'll weep in the darkness of my empty room.

Game Day Randoms:
Tonight the Wings play San Jose at home at 7:30pm. All of the defensemen have successfully fought off the flu and should be back in the lineup tonight. Speaking of defensemen, Lilja is finally starting to make some progress on the headaches, but still has no idea when he'll be back. Brad May is still out thanks to Jason Williams and his crazy stick ending up in May's eye. Khan has the potential lines here, but with Mike Babcock coaching, you'd be crazy to take them as the truth. I'd bet that by the end of the night he has Zetterberg playing with Gordie Howe and Kid Rock. Now that's a line I'd pay good money to see.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Also, the entire team has the flu.

Tonight there's a game against Boston. I'm not sure I have much to say about it, except to note that the team needs the points (I think we're 11th place out of 15 in the conference right now. I think, if I have any grasp on the sport at all, that we need to aim for at least 8th. Right? I'm not hallucinating that, am I?) and to spend another ten pages bitching about how much I hate Versus.

Which I should really stop. Granted, there's a lot to bitch about. There's no denying that. Especially in these trying times, where, if I have to watch my team lose consistently, I want everybody on the channel I'm watching it on, from the regional producers down to the lowliest interns to at least pretend to be ragingly unfair, completely biased homers. It just makes it easier when you feel like the color guy might be hurting right along with you.

But I feel like I've been too hard on Versus in the past. At least they're trying. At least they're a nationally broadcast cable network in the States airing hockey games across the country on a regular basis. Sure, they're not perfect. Sure, their commentators don't always kiss the ground that Ken Holland walks on like I think they should. Sure, Brian Engblom's hair looks like he scalped MacGyver and then decided to wear his mullet as a trophy headpiece but MacGyver's head was a little smaller than his so the mullet didn't quite fit right so he had to put it on little mullet stilts on his head so it would stay there*.

(*MacGyver's mullet wouldn't stay there. MacGyver's mullet would steal three paperclips and Kieth Jone's pen and use them to escape.)

But at least they're not NBC, who forbids teams from holding playoff viewing parties, makes us spend every intermission hoping Mike Milbury will finally just kick Pierre MaGuire's ass but he never does, and has a disconcerting anti-Swede bias, which I wouldn't even mind if my team didn't have more Swedes than Ikea had chairs, but it does, so I do mind, quite a bit.

I'm sorry, I'm sitting here rationalizing the legitimacy of the existence of Versus, where I should be doing my job - which is making myself feel better about a potential loss tonight by making fun of the Boston Bruins.

Sadly, all I have to give you is this video of some bears playing hockey:

I don't remember if we'd already posted this. Aside from the obvious ethical PETA/ASPCA questions I have... I just want to know how much fish paste and tranquilizer you have to use to teach bears to skate.

Probably more fish paste than it took to get Zdeno Chara to strip naked in front of a camera. (Don't worry, it's... tastefully... posed...) The good news about that picture is that if it struck you blind, you don't have to see Brian Engblom's hair at all tonight. Awesome!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

That game made me smile

Alright, before I completely geek out about everything that was awesome about yesterday, let's recap the holy-crap-not-so-awesome:

- Jonathan Ericsson appears to have caught the flu. Thanks bunches, Edmonton.
- Jason Williams tried to take Brad May's eye out last night; he should be fine, but that was a little scary, and logistically, we don't need another man down.
- Not a single kid showed up to my front door as a Red Wing last night. Back before I went to college, Halloween was good for a solid McCarty or Shanahan and two Yzermen, at least. How disappointing. There were a couple Tigers, but it's just not the same.
- Filppula still has a broken wrist, Franzen still has a gimpy knee, and yo mamma so ugly, she on long-term IR cause the coach don't wanna look at her.

But hey, the AWESOME:

- The Red Wings won a game! And more than that, they won a game where they didn't blow a lead, didn't have to switch goalies mid-way to wake the team up, and were, for the most part, defensively responsible. To quote probably the entire rest of the internet, they looked like the Red Wings again out there. (I don't think they ever stopped looking like the Red Wings though. The organization's been around for more than 8 decades. They still looked like the Red Wings last week. Just... maybe the Red Wings of the 1970s or something.)

- It's really nice to see Brad Stuart score on a team that isn't the Red Wings. You have to understand, I like the guy. But did he realize last spring that Lilja was going to be out for a while, and took it upon himself to unleash a string of did-he-really-do-that? so long that he would take up the responsibility of fan scapegoat? Because that's what it's been looking like. Not last night though. Last night earned him back his spot in the middle of the popular kids at the cool table in the lunch room.

To the ancient Celts, Halloween was the start of the new year, a time to chase away the ghosts of the past year (literally and figuratively) and turn over a new leaf. Are the Red Wings living out this tradition and finally finding their way as a team? Or was last night just a shining bright light of greatness amid what will turn out to be a dark season of fluky injuries, heartbreak, and inconsistent play?

That's an awful thought. Let's hope for the former.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween!

Wouldn't that be perfect if we were playing the BJs tonight? Unfortunately, I don't have any Flames in costume, and the only Red Wings-related Halloween picture I can find is wildly inappropriate:

Since, as we just found out, Valtteri Filppula's pimpin' hand ain't strong.

And that's where we stand, before a team that's not afraid of blood, already injury-ravaged, desperately, desperately in need of a win.

I mean it's starting to get ridiculous. I know Babcock's been saying that regardless of the record, this team's been playing better than the blowing-through-the-league teams of th elast couple years, but is that any consolations? Isn't it the most cliched-yet-true saying in all of hockey - good teams find ways to win? I know it's only the end of October, but right now the Wings have not-won more games than they have won, and I'm kind of expecting to see people start to leap from the bandwagon as though it had been set aflame.

Speaking of which, I know what the Red Wings can go as for Halloween.

Let's put down some Flames.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Can we have another game like Tuesday?

We'd like to be able to say something profoundly intelligent about the way the Red Wings played that game in Vancouver, but Trisha was on painkillers at the time, and I was half asleep in a post-midterm haze. And no, neither made the dark, sad portions of the first period any easier to watch, I'm sorry to say.

But it did look like Jimmy Howard had the goddamned game of his life out there. I only wish it didn't take pulling Ozzie to wake the team up (and hopefully pulling Ozzie woke up Ozzie). That was probably the most intense October game I've ever seen. Again, maybe it was the three hours of sleep and the painkillers, but if it could keep us both conscious until 1 a.m., then it had to be pretty good.

Today the Wings are in Edmonton for the second to last game of the road trip, and the world is freaking out about the Swine Flu. I know it's kind of a big deal, but I don't think Gary will have a repeat of 1918 until Sidney Crosby is on a respirator. Still, all the hype (and continued lack of sleep) is giving me trippy mental images of Piet Van Zant's daily lectures about the proper use of hand sanitizer and I somehow imagine the whole team walking around like this:

It looks like the freaking zombie apocalypse. Be careful not to get Swine Flu, Kronner. We can't afford to lose anyone else at this point.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

And the road trip continues...

Tonight the Red Wings face off against the Canucks. Here's to hoping that Samuelsson remembers how to not hit the net and the Wings can come out of this road trip with at least a tiny spark of happiness.

Here are the projected lines courtesy of George Malik over at MLive.

Cleary-Filppula-Bertuzzi (Eaves working in)
May-Helm-Maltby (Abdelkader working in)

The defense remained the same:
Ericsson-Lebda (Meech working in)

Osgood (starting)

The top line is still intact, so I'm happy (and maybe tonight they'll actually score a goal that isn't a Nick Lidstrom slapshot that was deflected into the net off Homer's ass...although I'll take that).

And just for fun, here's a little flashback to one of the funnier moments in Wings-Canucks history. There is no better scrum than one that is sparked by a potato based insult.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

That was awful

That was so awful.

That was so awful that I might want to go crawl in a little hole right now and never come out again.

And I didn't even watch more than ten minutes of it.

All of those ten minutes were in the Huntington Club at Van Andel Arena during a Griffins signing after a game that thankfully they won. It's not a huge consolation, but a consolation nonetheless. I'll take what I can get.

This game probably makes us the last two people on the entire internet that don't want to tar and feather Jimmy Howard out of town and deal for Luongo at the trade deadline. According to our mother (who, understand, loved how Hasek played and still has a crush on Manny Legace, so take her opinion with that in mind), Jimmy actually had a good game tonight, but a good game is secondary to a team loss. I still have faith in him. I don't know why. I don't actually have anything to back up my lack of desire to throw him under the proverbial bus. Call it a gut feeling. Call it wishful thinking. Call it having delusions. I'm still behind our backup goalie. I just wish the team was, too.

The Wings are just getting all their losses out of the way now, right? So maybe they won't have any stretches later like February from two years ago, or that weekend where the entire central division scored 8 goals a game on them, right?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Game today (and probably a little bit of tomorrow) vs not Jim Balsillie

The little break the Wings have been on since Saturday has felt like an eternity. It's like the off season all over again. I guess on the plus side however, Pavel hopefully has had time to heal from his "cough shoulder sprain cough" and will be back tonight to play the Coyotes in Phoenix. In honor of the first of the season, let's break down the pros and cons of west coast road trips -

The Good:
1. Laughing when the Hockeytown West shows up in droves and out-cheers the home crowd.

2. ... Yeah, pretty much only Hockeytown West.

The Bad:
1. Having to stay up until 2am even when we don't go into an endless shootout against the other team. (Seriously. I'm young, and I still have the sleep schedule of a 20 year old college student, but when I have to have two cups of coffee just to make it to pregame...)

2. No Mickey Redmond.

3. Too much Larry Murphy.

4. Have I ever mentioned that Jim Balsillie's name reminds me of either some round-shaped, Sesame Street-themed, Playskool toddler toy, or something that Family Guy fans would spend three hours giggling at? It used to make me break into hysterics at a mere moment's notice, but lately the joke has been wearing pretty thin and something worries me that tonight we'll be hearing it enough times for me to develop a nervous tick.

5. (and what might be the worst of them all) No more laughing at Gretzky dropping f-bombs from the bench on camera because his team just let Brett Lebda get a hat trick.

No major disrespect meant to Wayne, but I really used to look forward to that.

Sigh. This is what we have to live with until Halloween...

Go Wings.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Disappointing like whoa...

I've read that Joe Sakic was Matt Duchene's favorite player growing up, and consequently found himself rooting for the Avs. Matt Duchene grew up around the same time that we grew up.

The rivalry years.

So you have to wonder if, after rooting so long for the Scoring on Chris Osgood Show, it was extra special that his first NHL goal to made him a part of it.

I'm going to say that had Pavel Datsyuk been in this game, he would have scored. And if Mule had been there, since he likes scoring on the Avs so much, he'd have scored twice. (I contemplated actually keeping track of the games I thought the Wings would win if Franzen was in the line-up but didn't, but it would probably be every game the Wings lose for the next four months, which is unrealistic.) So I'm not faulting the Wings in this. (I'm faulting cruel fate and unmerciful hockey gods.)

The thing I have an issue with... ok, fine. Win the game. Sure. Tie the score a thousand times. Whatever. Be a complete and total whore.

But do you really have to hump Ozzie's face, McLeod?

Yeah, that's ok - Ozzie's coppin' a pretty big feel there himself. Hopefully it makes Cody feel a little dirty later.

Friday, October 16, 2009

A nice change from the ridiculousness of Tuesday

because Tuesday was an awful game. I don't know where the Red Wings were on Tuesday. Not in Buffalo. Maybe HSBC Arena had some kind of wonderful cotton candy for sale, and the Red Wings were all distracted by the smell. I don't know. I wasn't there. I could only watch, horrified, as the entire month of February 08 flashed before my eyes.

At any rate, tonight's game was much better. Not perfect, but better, and with Franzen and Datsyuk out of the line-up, for the moment, I'll take better. Hopefully an ugly loss was what they needed to shape up and this whole winning thing will continue to be a pattern they follow.

But this post wasn't really intended for me to be borderline-condescending toward a hockey team that's done nothing for as long as I can remember but spoil me rotten - this post is to remind everybody that Nick Lidstrom is President of the Universe.

Fo' sho'.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Not a great way to spend a birthday...

I have no words for that game except that it was...well...pukey. And maybe that all the people who lost Versus on their fancy cable packages were lucky. I don't have the energy right now to ramble as I usually do about how at least the top line is finally producing and how it wasn't all the goalie's fault, so I'll just leave you with something funny as a follow up to our post last Thursday. Watch it, laugh at it, and maybe even learn something new if you're still an uneducated fool:

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Evacuate the Dance Floor

Saturday's game went better than I expected. Personally, I was a little too busy geeking out because the greatest top line in the history of EVER was reunited to pay much attention to any technical aspects of the game. All that I do know is that maybe Ovechkin and Semin should spend more time practicing and less time at the club.

Or maybe not. I kind of liked them being virtually invisible on the scoreboard.

Friday, October 9, 2009

I might rather have lost

Well, as Scott pointed out in the comments, not all the vikings are very happy today - Johan Franzen is out for at least four months with a torn left ACL.

I would say that the possibility of the Eurotwins being reunited on the top line is the silver lining to this cloud, but that's sort of like saying "I hope they serve cake in prison."

To put this in perspective, if he misses exactly four months to the day, and is back for the February 9th game against St. Louis (and raise your hand if you actually think it'll be four months or less... anyone? Anyone? Beuller?), he'll miss 55 games. I might have actually burst out laughing when I came to that number. It was laugh or cry. I mean, how do you respond to news like that?

You know, the Olympics are in just over four months. Has anybody called Sweden to deliver the bad news?

Winning is nice

Winning is very nice.

I know that between flukey injuries and low goal production, Tomas Kopecky wasn't exactly a perennial favorite among most Wings fans, but he's well liked around our household, and it was a little hard watching him... be a Blackhawk... ugh.

And uh, Brad May. Yeah. Who'da thought?

Today is Henrik Zetterberg's birthday. Fittingly, it's also Leif Ericson Day. Happy vikings!

Ericson spelled with one S looks wrong now. Thanks for that one, Fabio.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Why Chicago Hates Detroit?

After what seems like an eternity (even though it was less than a week) the Red Wings have a game tonight against the Chicago Blackhawks. I have no idea who will be in the lineup because I never believe the speculations online until the game actually starts because Mike Babcock is a crazy fool and no one ever knows what the hell he's going to do next. I do know that Justin Abdelkader won't be there, due to the fact that he was sent back to Grand Rapids. *Insert angry comments from the general fanbase here*

Today I found a blog post where the writer made a list of all the reasons why Chicago hates Detroit. These always make me laugh and this one was no different. Here are the highlights:

10. The Octopus

Throwing octopus on the ice makes about as much sense as Detroit making a bid for the 2020 Olympics.

SERIOUSLY?! I would have thought that by now most people that follow the NHL would have at least grasped the general idea of this tradition by now. If not and you still need some help, go educate yourself. At any rate, we don't care if it "makes sense". We're gonna do it until the oceans run dry.

8. Consistency

While we hate to admit it, every Hawks fans would kill to have a franchise that's in contention for the Cup every single season.

This one actually makes sense.

6. They're...Good

There, we said it. But our Dad can still beat up your Dad. We'll be taking our puck and going home now.

This one he got right too. Except that I'm not really sure what he means by "our Dad can still beat up your Dad". I took it to mean the teams in the early days, and the last time I checked, 8 Stanley Cups are more than three.

4. Arrogance

The Red Wings walk around with the kind of swagger that would make Kanye West sick to his stomach with disgust.

Honestly, I haven't heard any arrogance horror stories about either team - except for maybe Chelios when he was in a bad mood, and that one... sort of falls on both of us. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with having confidence in your ability to be badass on the ice. I bet Blackhawks fans would kill themselves to have their team walk with swagger.

2. The Sweaters

Not to get all fashionista on you, but the Hawks sweater cannot be matched. Especially not by logo that looks like it's from Hot Wheels.

Right again. The Blackhawk's sweater can't be cultural insensitivity. (Oh wait, I forgot about Cleveland.) I'd much rather have a logo that looks like one of the greatest children's toys ever than one that's potentially racist.

1. Original Six

This rivalry is like a bad marriage that's lasted way too long with a spouse. What's worse is Detroit's put on about 200 pounds with a bad case of acne since the day we met.

Who's about 200 pounds with a bad case of acne?

Lol, he wishes he weighed 200 pounds...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

By the numbers: 7 reasons why my life is sad, and 3 foolish Swedes

I am in a thorough state of depression right now:

1. The Tigers. Enough said.
2. The Colorado Avalanche currently have a better record than the Red Wings. Hell, practically the entire League has a better record than Detroit.
3. I can't watch the game on Thursday. I can't even listen to Ken Kal. Grrr.
4. I was the only person in my Geology class who knew that Detroit was on the Detroit River. Four people thought Toronto was the city on the other side of the river.
5. Yesterday I had a dream that Nick Lidstrom signed a 6 year contract extension. I was not happy when I snapped back to the "maybe two more years if he's really feeling awesome" reality of consciousness.
6. Bob Probert got booted of Battle of the Blades before Skank Prime.
7. Last night I found a video about Vladdie that while sort of happy, still was ridiculously sad.

While you all either laugh at me because my life is pathetic, or cry because you feel the same as me, some things in the world aren't quite as depressing.

Take Swedish advertising for example:

If Homer is happy, then so am I. The company this is from sells either crackers or ski equipment, I'm not sure. Do they have your favorite?

Sunday, October 4, 2009

WTF Sunday

I know it isn't Wednesday, but this video couldn't wait.

I have never seen anyone so embarrassed by their cell phone in my whole life. Either Steve Yzerman has a secret fondness for, or one of his kids is going to be seeing a lot of his Captain's Face when he gets home.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Hey, for those of you who have CBC

Steve Yzerman's going to be on The Hour on Wednesday at 11pm. I'm pretty sure it replays at 5pm on Wednesday. I have no idea whether or not the interview itself will be very good, but I don't care - it's Steve Yzerman.

There's a chance you'll be able to find it online, too. Lindsay'll post it when she finds it.

I don't know. I'm not worried yet.

Oh. You say I should be? You say that you just watched your team lose two games in their superstars' homeland? That you saw them play ten or fifteen spectacular minutes at a time that were followed by twenty or thirty ridiculously awful ones? That they fell apart faster than tissue paper in the rain? That when you think about your goaltenders, you sort of throw up a little in your mouth?

If that's the case, I can't blame you. But I'm not worried yet.

Last year I was worried. I was worried that they couldn't win a game in regulation, that they couldn't win a game at home, that Marian Hossa was unable to score a single goal, that the Eurotwins being split up would signal the coming of the apocolypse, etc, etc - by the middle of October I was convinced that the Wings would finish last in their division, miss the playoffs, be laughed at by everyone and that Gary Bettman would move the franchise to New Orleans and rename them the Crawdaddies and Henrik Zetterberg would have to wear a picture of a shrimp on his chest while I wept and wept and wept.

In reality, the Wings had a winning record, and were doing pretty good given the ridiculousity of the schedule they opened with and especially given that there is some truth to the Stanley Cup hangover.

So I'm not worried yet. I can't let myself be, or I'd have to check myself into an institution.

Was there anything consistent about the Red Wings' game this weekend besides how they let it fall apart again and again? No. But in those moments before they fell apart, they were beastly. They could have been playing with an empty net for most of the first period today and the score would have been the same by the end.

Did Jimmy Howard let in five goals? Yes. But but most of them were on penalty kills, and he also made some spectacular saves.

Is Brad Stuart still scoring goals for the opposition for no reason other than to make me curl up in a ball and question the existence of god?

I don't actually have a positive for that one - I just wanted to point it out.

No, I could be really worried about what I saw in Sweden this weekend. And if you want to be, I can't blame you. But I'm going to focus on the positive and enjoy something that Wings fans don't often get to enjoy - the anticipation of how awesome the team will be when they finally work out all the kinks and rise to their full potential.

That could be fun, right?

Friday, October 2, 2009

Today it begins

Welcome to the regular season, where the points count and everyday is a new podcast about the goalie situation. I'm excited.

I don't know how excited I am about having to watch the first Wings game of the regular season on Versus though. Somewhere between Screaming Keith (have you ever noticed how every time Keith Jones opens his mouth to talk, he ends up sounding like he's yelling? Don't get so excited, dude, it's just highlights from last season) screaming and there being an interview with Sidney Crosby every commercial break... well, I guess I just shouldn't have jumped the gun and started watching the Chicago game while I was waiting for ours to start, should I have?

From what I understand, Hank's in today, but Chris Osgood still looks undecided.

It's sort of frustrating when you have one goalie who's tied for 10th in all-time wins but you still have wavering regular season faith in him because he's Chris Osgood, and your other goalie has won a single NHL game in his career, and that was four years ago. Goalie situation? What goalie situation? I'm saying goalie situation so much because I'm hoping I can desensitize myself to the blinding stress the phrase causes me before it becomes the only thing anyone can talk about.

Oh. Brian Engblom regrew his... hair.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I wish I was in Sweden, but instead I'm learning Russian preposions...

So today at 1pm is the last game before the season starts, and oh man am I thankful that I screwed up my schedule so that I have a five hour break between classes. The game is being streamed online, and if you're lucky enough to not be at work, you can watch it here.

Also *drum roll, please* Hockeytown Static is officially on Twitter. Mostly it will be ramblings by Lindsay, sometimes comical and usually about (what else) hockey.

The regular season starts in two days. Go Wings.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Wings arrive in style

...If Chris Osgood didn't already look like a child...

...the pillow doesn't help. Good morning Red Wings, and good luck Wednesday.

Monday, September 28, 2009

That was spectacular

Ok, so it was preseason, and it didn't really "count" for anything. I don't care. The Wings beat the Pens.

Oh, but Crosby and Malkin weren't there! Yeah? Well neither were Nick Lidstrom, Henrik Zetterberg, Dan Cleary, Valtteri Filppula, or Chris Osgood - we still got it done. And it wasn't close, either.

Man, am I glad I caught the replay.

I just got back from what was apparently some sort of bubble entirely outside the influence of hockey. It was sort of bizarre. Radio stations not coming in, and televisions that only went up to the first twenty channels, and walking into restaurants just as the last fleeting seconds of Red Wings live postgame reports faded into blackness... and I was cruising the internet on this, which isn't so much a complaint as it is me passing the hilarity of my sad life down to you. This is what happens when you use all your college graduation money to buy a Jimmy Howard game-used glove instead of a laptop. I call it "Henrik Zetterberg Dancing With A Giant Ink Monster".

Speaking of Swedes, the Free Press put up the single most mesmerizing thing that I have ever seen in my life yesterday. I can't stop watching it. I fear greatly that it hungers for my soul.

The Wings are playing Farjestad on Wednesday. I admittedly don't know an awful lot about teams in the Swedish elite league (although, according to my dad, I know more than most girls my age should), but from what I've been able to gather, it's the Elitserien equivalent of the Wings lately or the Canadiens. I wish it was being broadcast somewhere I could catch it because it sounds like the kind of carnival of Swedishness that would make for an interesting game.