Making Fun of Partick Roy

The day of game 4 of the 2008 Stanley Cup finals, our parents came home from an epic garage sale with a box full of hockey. Hiding among the dust was a plastic figurine of Patrick Roy.

Hey, ladies...

Despite our initial reactions (Lindsay didn't want to touch it, and Dad suggested we finally become real men and learn to melt things in the sun with a magnifying glass), because it spent games four and six in the living room in front of the tv (and game five hiding in the basement), it was spared certain death and bodily mutilation based on the fact that it must somehow be a luck talisman.

This hasn't stopped us from subjecting it to deep psychological and emotional torture. Jersey alterations took place sometime between the refrigerator prank and the catnip incident.

I tell you all this, because around our household, this week is known as "Make Fun of Patrick Roy Week", commemorating the time that Patrick Roy got his ass kicked by a midget, then a year later tried to redeem himself by fighting what looked like a fifteen year old boy and still had a hard time just holding his own. Because we think this side-plot to the McCarty/Lemieux battles is hilarious, we'd like to present you with -

Five other things we'd pay to watch Patrick Roy fail to fight:

5. A giant spider

Because who isn't afraid of giant spiders? They're terrifying. Even if you're not afraid of regular-sized spiders, you're scared of giant spiders, just based on the fact that THEY CAN EAT YOU.

4. Al the Octopus

Clearly, Al wins this battle.

3. Unicorns

Yeah, they may look innocent, but those things are out for blood.

2. Valtteri Filppula

I'd say Val winning any fight (especially by executing some sort of flying punch finishing move, as depicted above) would be a stretch, but a minute ago there were unicorns, so I'm going with it.

1. Jimmy Howard and his magnificent face-grabbing glove

They all said I was crazy when I bought this from Hockeytown Authentics last summer, but I knew. Oh, I knew.

Sometime during this photo shoot, my mom came out to see what I was doing and looked ashamed, because I'm 23 years old and was basically spending a Saturday afternoon in the backyard playing with my toys instead of doing something useful with my life, but if just five people read this and laugh once, then it was totally worth it. May the legend of Patrick Roy ride on.